Today Is Carrie Fisher’s Yahrzeit

Content/trigger warning: death

For those who don’t know, the yahrzeit is the anniversary of death according to the Hebrew calendar. On a yahrzeit, it is appropriate to light a special 24-hour candle and have a moment of silent introspection before saying “may his/her/their memory be a blessing” in Hebrew.

Because I’m converting Reform, I decided to say my introspection aloud before lighting the candle. This is, more or less, what I said:

It’s weird to feel shame about missing someone. I never even met her. But I think what was so extraordinary about Carrie Fisher was how many people whose lives she impacted without meeting them. Or meeting them briefly; she could buy an artist’s work at a con and it would just make their day. She was unbelievably brave and unabashed when it came to speaking out about mental illness self-advocacy and anti-saneism. She was and continues to be an inspiration to me in that regard. I can’t think of anyone else who inspires me the same way in that regard. And while it’s not fair that she was only 60 when she passed, hopefully we can all keep Space Mom’s memory alive by being unabashedly ourselves, standing up to saneism, and flipping off people who deserve it.

Zikronah livrakhah.

May her memory be a blessing.

Some Thoughts on Diet Culture

Content/trigger warning: cursing, disordered eating, discussion of diet culture

I hate diet culture.

You might be saying, “Of course you do, Mara. You hate everything.” And you’d have something of a point, but I don’t hate, for example, my wonderful fiancee. Or coffee. Or The Good Place. (Have you seen the latest season? So forking good. I just wish I didn’t have to wait until January for more episodes.) But I’m getting off the subject.

I’m not an expert on the harms of diet culture. You should go to fat justice activists for that. (For example, @yrfatfriend, @Artists_Ali, @femmina, @KivanBay, and @chairbreaker_ on Twitter). If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that I’m aware that it’s basically impossible for an oppressive system, culture, etc. to be oppressive on only one axis. So while I’m going to talk about how diet culture is ableist in this entry, diet culture is also fatmisic (duh), classist, and probably buys into other -isms that I’m forgetting at the moment. (I’ve had really bad brain fog this………..month.)

What you do have to know about diet culture for this entry is that diet culture is based on 1) the fatmisic idea that thin bodies are better than fat bodies and 2) the scientifically inaccurate idea that caloric intake/expenditure is the only factor in body size. Now, there are many reasons why diet culture is ableist, mostly because fatness can be directly caused by or related to disability. Weight gain and/or fatness can be features of some disabilities; for example, PCOS or hypothyroidism. Many medications cause weight gain (Carrie Fisher, may her memory be a blessing, often talked about this). Some disabilities prevent people from exercising. Also entwining fatmisia and ableism is the fact that diet culture holds that healthy = moral and thin = healthy, so by the commutative property of diet culture bullshit, thin = moral. So disabilities that cause or are related to fatness are also seen as immoral/wrong/bad.

Also, diet culture encourages people to yammer about their diets to everyone they speak to. Why is this ableist? Because eating disorders are disabilities, and diet talk can be immensely triggering for people with eating disorders. I recently went to a Friendsgiving, and two of the people close to me at the table would not shut up about dieting and weight loss, and it’s a fucking miracle of self-control that I didn’t run to the bathroom and ram my fingers down my throat. So if, for whatever reason, you are on a weight loss diet, keep your fucking lips zipped about it unless you have permission from the people around you. Yes, I am saying this now because it is almost Turkey and Genocide Day. But even when food-centric holidays aren’t happening, use content warnings when you talk about your diet on social media and ask for permission before talking about your diet in person. And add content warnings for food too.

Speaking of which, diet culture encourages judge/shame people for making supposedly unhealthy food and lifestyle choices, so don’t fall into the diet culture trap of policing people’s food choices at Turkey and Genocide Day dinner. Or, you know, fucking ever. Even if there were no possibility that the person whose choices you’re scrutinizing had an eating disorder, it’s rude and none of your fucking business. The same goes for judging/shaming people for not going to the gym/doing yoga/running/whatever; even if it’s not a disability keeping someone from exercising or making “healthy” lifestyle choices (which may not be healthy for them, hence the quotes), it could be a class issue or other issue related to being part of a marginalized group, and it’s rude and none of your fucking business.

Another thing about diet culture that triggers my eating disorder on the regular is this trend that restaurants are hopping on of having calorie information for all the dishes on the menus. My feelings about how calorie counting for a so-called diet is a slippery slope to an eating disorder if not an eating disorder itself aside, many people with eating disorders or who are in recovery from an eating disorder can’t handle seeing calorie information. I don’t mind restaurants having calorie information available if a customer asks, but having calorie information right smack dab on the damn menus can make a restaurant inaccessible. I wish I knew how to actually do something about this. If you have any ideas, by all means, let me know.

So tl;dr diet culture is harmful as shit, keep quiet about your diet or make sure you have permission to discuss it so you don’t trigger anyone, and restaurants need to stop it with the calories on menus.

That’s all I have for now. I hope everyone survives Turkey and Genocide Day.

I Can’t Even Fucking Listen to Music

Content/trigger warning: cursing, slurs (censored), disordered eating mention

So I have a new job.

It’s actually great. Well, mostly great. I’m doing something I love and that I’m good at, the location is fantastic, and most of the people are nice. Unfortunately, there’s always food around the office, which TFED (The Fucking Eating Disorder) is not pleased with. But anyway, I was at my new job and needing an afternoon caffeine fix, so I headed to Dunkin for their $2-latte-after-2-PM promotion. (I’m weak for espresso and deals. I admit it.)The music was too loud in Dunkin, which was almost an accessibility issue for me, and I was struggling to tune it out while I waited for my latte. A pop song was playing. I don’t like pop, so there was nothing remarkable about the song to me, but it was so damn loud it bored into my head. A generic female pop voice was singing some laterally misogynist sounding crap about another woman, and I barely had time to be annoyed by that before the song called this other woman “sweet but ps*cho”.

I swear.

For those of you who don’t know, I also curate two YouTube series, one about asexuality and one about my special interest in rock music. So you’d think this is the part where I say “well, pop songs may have saneist slurs in the chorus, but you wouldn’t find that in rock, metal, or punk!” Yeah, I fucking wish. There is ableism out the ass in those genres. In metal, vidist expressions are extremely common, right up to and including Trivium having a song literally called “Blind Leading the Blind”. Punk music loves to use ableist slurs and terms to refer to oppressors and/or bigots, with even bands like Bad Cop/Bad Cop that are usually aware of intersecting oppressions dropping “l*natic” and “ins*ne”. Rock music in general uses ableist language like it’s going out of style; I could name you several rock songs that have “ps*cho” in the title.

And it gets worse. Punk music has a tendency to med shame in the name of going after “Big Pharma”. “OxyM*r*nic” (which also has an ableist slur against ID/DD/LD people in the title, would you look at that?) by NOFX and “Limiter” by Descendents (which is on an album called Hypercaffium Sp*zzinate WHY DO I LISTEN TO ANY PUNK MUSIC EVER AODSHUAASDOBASDAFFFF) come to mind. It’s not only punk music, either; Delain, a Dutch symphonic metal outfit and one of my favorite bands of all time, has a song called “Your Body Is a Battleground” that not only med shames, but implies that psychiatric disabilities aren’t real.

It’s not only the music itself, either. People who are into the rock scene, especially the reviewer sphere, also love their ableism. I recently watched a popular YouTube music reviewer I don’t ordinarily watch trash the Nostalgia Cockstain’s The Wall album, and the reviewer joked about losing his sanity and having a panic attack as the result of the badness of the album. Another YouTube music reviewer I like and respect and even support on Patreon is fond of calling 2edgy4u musicians “p*****paths” and “s****paths”. Pitchfork Media’s website contains album reviews that straight up use the fucking r-slur.

I’m not sure what the point of all this whining is. I guess everything I have discussed here is a good example of just how entrenched ableism is. Not just entrenched, either, but terrifyingly normalized. And the pervasiveness of ableism in punk is a good example of how even leftist spaces condone ableism.Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go listen to Emilie Autumn, who writes about mental illness from the perspective of “wow, misogynableism sucks”.

Misogynableism and Greta Thunberg

Content/trigger warning: discussion of ableism, misogyny, and misogynableism; cursing

As with most of the things I blog about, I’m sure someone else has done a better job writing about this, but I’m going to try anyway.

I’m going to preface this entry by saying that Greta Thunberg, while she’s awesome, is not the only young climate activist we need to be paying attention to. Others include Autumn Peltier, Helena Gualinga, Tekanang, Penny Tovar, Lamboginny, Sarah-Anna Awad, Bertine Lakjohn, Liza Zhytkova, Veer Qumar Mattabadul, and Daniel Gbujie recently participated in the first UN Youth Climate Summit. They hail from all over the world and many of them are teenagers. Greta shouldn’t be getting all the attention because she’s white.

But we do need to talk about the misogynableism against her. Greta—who, for those who don’t know, is a sixteen-year-old Swedish climate change activist who recently testified about climate change at the UN—is Autistic, and unapologetic about it; she says being neurodivergent is a “superpower” for her. (I personally don’t like the supercrip narrative, but she’s sixteen and the narratives about Autisticness are different in Sweden compared to the US; give her a break.) Fox News recently called her mentally ill because she is Autistic, intending it as an insult and misunderstanding that Autisticness is not a mental illness but a neurodevelopmental disability. (Note: if you’re reading this blog, you damn well know that calling someone mentally ill shouldn’t be an insult. But Fox intended it as an insult because they’re saneist.) When Greta was preparing to speak in public a few weeks ago, she uttered the phrase “Sorry, my brain isn’t working properly.” Keep in mind that many Autistic people struggle with speaking and that English is not Greta’s first language. But Twitter took this and ran with it, with scores of people retweeting the video and calling Greta any number of ableist insults.

I saw at least one article calling the bullshit Greta was receiving misogyny. Do I think that Greta would be receiving less bullshit if she were male? Absolutely. Do I think that “misogyny” fully encapsulates the bullshit Greta is receiving? Absolutely not. This is especially evident in the way people insult her facial expressions. Greta has been described by the Autistic community as having “resting Autistic face”. While allistic people often make the effort to contort their faces into pleasant expressions with fake smiles in order to appear more…I don’t know, approachable? I don’t really get it…Autistic people often don’t bother with that (or if we do, we’re aware we’re only doing it to fulfill some bullshit allistic social contact). Greta doesn’t bother with that. She’s talking about serious issues and she looks serious while doing it. So she gets a lot of the misogynist “she’d be prettier/have more success/be more personable if she smiled more” and a lot of the ableist “look at her affect, she’s clearly [ableist insult of choice]”. The misogynist bullshit and ableist bullshit inform each other, resulting in misogynableist bullshit.

Much to my chagrin, it isn’t only misogynableist cockwaffles that are giving Greta bullshit. Some of the Autistic community is writing her off too. Why? Because in the United States, most of the Autistic community looks down on Aspie supremacy, and most of the Disabled community looks down on the supercrip narrative. For those who don’t know, Aspie supremacy is an attitude that some Autistic people who were diagnosed with Asperger’s have toward the rest of the Autistic community. This attitude can be described as “Oh, we’re not like ~*~those~*~ Autistic people who are low-functioning; we’re brilliant and gifted and better”. The supercrip narrative is a common ableist trope depicting Disabled people as “making up for” their disability (ugh) by doing things like climbing Mount Everest or making groundbreaking scientific discoveries. Obviously there’s nothing wrong with Disabled people doing those things; it’s when abled people start blubbering about how “they overcame their disabilities” and then expecting other Disabled people to just not be Disabled because “if xyz Disabled person can do abc, then clearly you don’t need your mobility device/accommodations/etc.” that it becomes a harmful supercrip narrative.

So yes, okay, some of what Greta Thunberg said could be interpreted as buying into the Aspie supremacy and/or supercrip narratives. I get it. But she also isn’t USian; my understanding is that Aspie supremacy isn’t really a concept that is discussed in the Swedish Autistic community. She also isn’t speaking her first language when she’s talking about Asperger’s being a superpower. Most importantly, she is fucking sixteen. I wonder if all of the grown ass Autistic people pooh-poohing Greta for not being intimately familiar with harmful ableist narratives knew about those narratives themselves at sixteen.

Tl;dr Greta Thunberg is a badass and shitting on her for being female and Disabled is terrible and bigoted, but shitting on her for not being perfect about Autisticness-related social justice concepts through a USian lens is also bad. Also, listen to young climate activists of color too, because many of them paved the way for Greta and they’re still out there kicking ass.

BAD ME I have not been listing my Patreon supporters at the end of blog entries. Many thanks to Ace, Emily, Hannah, Kael, Karina, and Sean! To be as cool as these people, visit Patreon.com/arzinzani to pledge. Even a dollar a month is massively helpful!

Goddammit, Sesame Street!

Content/trigger warning: discussion of virulent ableism including filicide, Autism $peaks, cursing

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.

Why am I even doing this? Sara Luterman already wrote an article for Slate about this. I haven’t read it because I’m afraid I would just copy what she said for this blog entry…but if I did that, it’d probably be better than whatever I’m about to spit out.

ANYWAY. Some background.

Sesame Street has just partnered with the organization Autism Speaks, so I’ll give a little background on Sesame Street’s Autistic character, Julia, as well as some background on Autism Speaks. Julia was introduced to Sesame Street in 2015 as part of an initiative called “See Amazing in All Children”. One of the aims of Julia’s character was to introduce young allistic children to the idea of accepting Autistic people for who we are, even if we seem strange and unusual at first. (I would hope that the aim was also to allow Autistic children to see themselves represented, but I’m not that optimistic.) For example, “The Amazing Song” was used to demonstrate that Autistic people can feel, and Julia wore ear defenders when she was featured in the Macy’s Day Parade, normalizing Autistic people needing sensory protection. Julia even stims; her puppet has a special pair of arms that allow her to flap her hands.

Now for some background on Autism $peaks. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that Autism $peaks is a pseudoscience- and fearmongering-peddling hate group that would love to see Autistic people eugenically eliminated. If you haven’t been reading my blog, now you know that. For more information on why A$ is a hate group, I wrote a blog entry about it: https://thisisforyoucarrie.blog/2018/04/03/autism-speaks-is-a-hate-group/

I believe that Autism $peaks, much to the chagrin of Autistic people, was involved from the get-go. To be frank, I’m not positive about that, and I don’t know exactly what hand A$ had in Julia’s creation or if they influenced Julia’s portrayal before now. I had trouble researching this because, like many Autistic people, I find reading about A$ triggering. (Also, Googling “Sesame Street Autism Speaks” seems to only bring up recent entries.) I do know that ASAN, the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network, an Autistic-run org, was also involved in Julia’s creation. This was crucial because we hardly ever get to be the arbiters of our own representation. So what has changed? Well, Sesame Street is partnering with A$ to—I swear to fuck I’m not making this up—push a “kit” that is supposed to help parents of a newly diagnosed Autistic kid to process the diagnosis as if their child were dead.

Again, I’m not bullshitting. I wish I were.

The 100-Day Kit, as it’s called, has a section outlining the five stages of grief. This is unbelievably harmful because it buys into the narrative that when a child is diagnosed as Autistic, any child that the parent/s could have wanted is dead and a new incomprehensible monster has taken their place. It paints Autisticness as a tragedy. Fucking excuse me but my brain is not a tragedy, thanks very much.

There are other problems with the 100 Day Kit, such as A$’s usual pseudoscience-pushing with a “cure” diet backed by precisely zero reproducible scientific research, but I don’t think I have to belabor the point. The 100-Day Kit promotes the idea that Autisticness is a tragedy and that parents should mourn for the precious allistic child they didn’t get when their child is diagnosed as Autistic. I mean, how the fuck do you think an Autistic child is going to feel when they see this shit? They’ll think their parents wish they were an entirely different person, or that their parents don’t love them. How is that seeing the amazing in every child, Sesame Street!? Not to mention the autism-as-tragedy narrative contributes to filicide, as I mentioned in the previously linked blog entry.

This decision is incontrovertibly harmful to children who see themselves in Julia, Sesame Street. This is why ASAN severed ties with you. This is why the Autistic community is begging you to reconsider your partnership with a hate group that would rather people like Julia—like me—not exist.

I have to stop now. This is too fucking upsetting. I’ll conclude with a quote from Jim Sinclair about why messages like A$’ are so harmful: “This is what we know, when you tell us of your fondest hopes and dreams for us: that your greatest wish is that one day we will cease to be, and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces.”

Mara’s First Protest

Content/trigger warning: cursing, Autism $peaks, discussion of ableism

I’m not quite sure why I didn’t think to write about this earlier, but I went to my first protest last month (June). Fittingly for me, I was protesting at one of Autism $peaks’ walks.

I went with a nifty little group called Autistics Against Curing Autism (AACA), and my fiancee accompanied me. We both made signs; my fiancee’s said “Autism $peaks doesn’t speak for me” and mine said “my brain is not a puzzle, goddammit”. (The “goddammit” was in much smaller letters.) My sign also featured a crossed-out A$ blue puzzle piece and a multicolored brain. The brain was hard to draw.

Here is my sign (photo taken by Timotheus Gordon, who can be found on Twitter at @timgordonjr):

Protest of one of [Autism Speaks'] Walks

The protest was harder than I anticipated it would be. Standing while holding a sign for several hours wasn’t all that bad, as I was wearing comfortable gym shoes (protip: if you’re ever attending a protest, wear comfy shoes), but what I didn’t anticipate was how fucking intimidating it was to see an unending wave of people whose views were diametrically opposed to mine, people who believed in a hate group’s mission, coming straight at me for three hours solid. I know intellectually that A$ has many supporters, but I have a hard time conceptualizing large numbers. And even if I could conceptualize large numbers, seeing concrete evidence of so many supporters buying into A$’s pro-eugenics ableist bullshit who think they’re supporting their Autistic family members by hating them was. Fuck, I can’t even describe it well. It felt like the bottom had fallen out of my stomach. I pitied the people in the walk who were ostensibly there out of love, but I was also angry at them for supporting a hate group that wanted me—and their (supposedly) loved ones—to not exist. I felt completely helpless, like I was trying to climb out of a pit of black holes using a ladder that was also made out of black holes. At least there weren’t pigs there; that would have terrified me even more.

We got…reactions. Some good, some bad, some weird. One allistic woman with two Autistic boys came up to us because she liked my poster(!) and asked what our problems with Autism $peaks were, because she just wanted what was best for her kids. We gave her a flyer and pointed her in the direction of some Autistic-run organizations. The only other possibly good reaction was someone in the walk noticing us and saying cheerily, “Look, they’re back!”. We puzzled over this for a while, because the person’s tone seemed very chipper, but why the hell would you be happy to see protesters two years in a row and still do the thing being protested? Oy, allistics. As far as the other reactions…well…

The worst was someone, a white man, who yelled at us “What’s wrong with you people!?”. That scared me, but I was pissed, too. I wanted to say “I know what you think is wrong with us” or something, but I wasn’t quick enough to come up with something pithy, and it wouldn’t have been a good idea to antagonize him anyway. Also, I’m kind of pants with facial expressions, but it was…weird to see people’s faces look bright and eager to read our signs, then watch their expressions turn to confusion or dismay. Part of me took a perverse pride in it. Part of me was scared. I don’t understand allistics at the best of times, and I was afraid of confrontation. My CPTSD does not like confrontation.

One of A$’s board members also came by and tried to tell us how he was glad we were advocating for ourselves and that he wanted to make sure the organization worked with self-advocates. I didn’t believe him for even a zeptosecond. I refused to shake his hand and gave him my best Eat Shit and Die look. This was rude; I don’t care. I was protesting, dammit.

Making matters even more uncomfortable was the radio station covering the event. (I would totally name names if I could remember which station it was. I think it was an Xstian station, but I’m not positive.) The DJ kept asking people in the walk what team they were on, and everyone was just so damn enthusiastic and happy to be promoting ableism. Despite the raging CPTSD, I was there to make a statement, and I wanted to go up to the DJ and say that I was part of a group protesting the walk. The person who organized the protest advised against it because it might invite pushback like a police presence (meep) at next year’s protest. So I hung back until after the event was over, and then another member of AACA and I headed over to the DJ and gave him a flyer. He seemed receptive, but maybe he didn’t like confrontation either.

Then AACA went for lunch to recoup fuel and discuss the protest. I feel like that was key. It definitely helped me recoup fuel, and I felt like the discussion was productive. It was also comforting to be around other Autistic people. Post-protest decompression and discussion seems like good social justice praxis to me for multiple reasons.

I’m so glad my fiancee was there. Watching the three-hour cavalcade of blue coming at our tiny group—even though they kept moving their trajectory father away from us, as if we were scaring them—might have been too much for me otherwise. I don’t know if I would have been able to last all three hours without my fiancee standing next to me.

I’m definitely going to next year’s protest (if my fiancee is able to come with me), but fuck do I hope there still aren’t cops.

P.S. I can’t figure out how to use tags anymore…WordPress, did you change something? I’m Autistic! I don’t do change!

The Story of My Twitter Handle

Content/trigger warning: cursing, mention of several forms of bigotry

Story time.

Those who follow me on Twitter know that my Twitter name is now “Mara The Id of Social Justice RAGE Lee”. This is because of a horrible interaction I had with a popular elitist, fauxminist YouTuber several years ago, and I’ve decided to laugh at it. But I want to talk about the story because I feel like call-outs happen in social justice, and how to reply to being called out constructively. That’s related to the horrible interaction, I promise.

Anyway, Elitist Fauxminist YouTuber (hereafter referred to as EFYT) was dating another YouTuber, hereafter referred to as YouTuber Boyfriend, when this happened. YouTuber Boyfriend made one too many neurotypicalist comments and had also been bad at checking his cis privilege and had been…let’s just say clumsy when discussing anti-Black racism. So I left a comment about all three areas of fuck-uppery.

Anyway, I posted on Tumblr about my feeling like I’d acted like an ~*~SJW~*~ and was hoping to not have that internal struggle next time I called someone out.

That was a mistake.

EFYT saw the Tumblr post.

She agreed that I had acted like an “SJW” and, bafflingly, thought that I was making all of her boyfriend’s fuck-ups about race. She even said “why, oh why are you making this about race?” Uh, I wasn’t. You just misinterpreted what I wrote. Maybe you don’t know what “neurotypical” means, EFYT.

It gets worse. She then encouraged her followers to correct me about how I had fucked up/been an “SJW”. I was not just dragged, but drawn and quartered. It got so bad I dissociated for…I want to say two days. Too damn long, in any case.

So what does this have to do with my Twitter handle? Well, EFYT included the phrase “the id of social justice RAAAAAAAAAAAGE” in her Mara-sucks-let’s-tell-her-why post. And something about that phrase actually appeals to me. Probably because it nicely encapsulates both her hypocrisy and someone who’s supposedly a feminist using her advanced vocabulary to rub it in people’s faces that SHE IS EDUMACATED AND THEREFORE A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU. I also like that it is an Ayn Randian level of sounding high-concept but actually being utter bullshit. I mean…she wants to tell me I’m mired in “the id of social justice rage”? Fine. I guess I am (whatever the fuck it actually means). So sue me. I’m so sorry I am passionate when it comes to caring about other people.

Am I biased because she used the word “id” and I think Freud can get fucked in the ear with a Saguaro? Probably. Am I biased specifically against this person because seeing her face pop up in my YT recommendations is a dissociation trigger? Uh, YEAH. Of course I am. But I thought she was an elitist fauxminist before she retraumatized me, so. Make of that what you will.

You know, even though I remember this like it was yesterday (thanks, PTSD), it actually happened sometime between 2012 and 2014. So hopefully EFYT is a better person now. I still think having “The Id of Social Justice RAGE” in my Twitter name is funny.

What’s the takeaway? Don’t mess with Maui when he’s on a breakaway! Er. Sorry, I was just listening to the Moana soundtrack. The actual takeaway is that the knee-jerk reaction to someone calling out someone you care about is to defend the person you care about or even to attack the person doing the call-out. Assuming it’s a real call-out and not a shitty ad hominem attack…look, no one wants to believe that someone they love did a bad thing. But we’re all fallible, and I don’t know a single person who isn’t still unlearning at least some of the lessons the kyriarchy taught us. So when your partner fucks up, try to help them learn constructively. Comfort them if they’re upset and tell them you know they’re capable of doing better. And don’t send your followers after the person doing the call-out. Even if you don’t ask your followers to be abusive, they will be.

Fire Theory and My Grocery Shopping Experience

Content/trigger warning: cursing

You need to know what fire theory is to fully understand this entry, so here’s my entry on fire theory: https://thisisforyoucarrie.blog/2019/02/01/fire-theory/

I fucking hate grocery shopping.

First of all, I’m tiny and have a lot of trouble maneuvering grocery carts. Second, the grocery store is too peopley. Not only are they making people noise, the people in grocery stores are unpredictable. Are they going to stop and pick up some olive oil right in front of me and I’ll have to halt suddenly and pray I don’t run into them, or go around them and maybe hit someone else? Third, there are sometimes smells that are sensory nopes for me, Fourth, with me worrying so much about the people, I often can’t find the items I need and end up going home without everything on my list.

Last night I went grocery shopping because I needed toilet paper and cat litter, and I couldn’t wait for Peapod. I can’t drive, so I took my personal shopping cart with a broken wheel that I can’t afford to replace and made the walk to the nearest grocery store about a mile away. I had a few other items on my  grocery list and wasn’t able to get all of them, but whatever; the problem was walking home.

I had a meltdown after the sixth time my heavy grocery cart with cat litter and cat food in it ran over my heel. Everyone in my zip code probably heard me screaming and crying. According to spoon theory, I would have been out of spoons after that meltdown. I was Done.

But I had to get home and carry my groceries up three flights of stairs.

So I did.

According to fire theory, after my meltdown, I was down to an ember; ostensibly unable to do anything but left with no choice, so I did the thing. I told myself I could have a chocolate donut if I got home, so my depleted ass walked home and hauled the groceries up the stairs and inhaled that donut. But after that, I changed into my pajamas and lay in bed crying for the rest of the night and wasn’t able to cook or shower even though I needed to do both. Spoon theory would hold that after I was out of spoons, I couldn’t have gotten home. But come hell or high water, I got my ass and the groceries and the rest of me home.

This is one of the reasons I favor fire theory. Fire theory explains how I got home; embers can be persuaded to burn under the right conditions, in this case the fact that lying on the sidewalk crying wasn’t an option.

I also think fire theory makes more sense as a metaphor and calling oneself a fire elemental is just cool sounding, but mostly I wanted to tell this story.
A less funny story is that I fell victim to a job scam. If you’re a Patron and have seen this a shitzillion times, I’m sorry, and if this is your first time hearing about this, please share my GoFundMe and donate if you can. https://www.gofundme.com/help-mara-lee-get-through-june

I’m also doing a fundraiser stream on YouTube. I did a short video on that. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm5YKa6zrls&t=1s
I have actually decided to so the stream from 3 to 5, not 2 to 4.

Thanks to my Patrons! I have multiple Patrons now! These awesome people are Karina, Ace, Emily, Sean, and Hannah.

Identity-First Language and Why You Should Default to It

Content/trigger warning: cursing, discussion of ableism

I feel like other people (*cough* Autistic Hoya *cough*) have done this better than I can, but I’m going to try my hand at this: why “D/disabled” is preferable to “person with a disability”, i.e. why person-first language (PFL) is a load of crap and identity-first language (IFL) is more respectful. Note: this is in general. There are individuals who use person-first language, and—as far as I’ve heard—people with Down syndrome prefer, well, the phrasing I just used. I have also seen PFL being used for people with cancer.

So, why (in general) should you say “disabled” instead of “person with a disability”? Several reasons. One, the social model aspect of disability. I maintain that the social model of disability, which posits that disability exists because society is not set up to accommodate Disabled people, is flawed—even with all access barriers removed, my brain would still be trying to kill me, and it would still fuck seriously with my ability to do things—but the ablenormativity inherent in society does indeed disable Disabled people. The use of “person with a disability” instead of “disabled” ignores this crucial fact.

Two, “person with a disability” implies that disability can be separated from a person. Because of the social aspect of disability, this is impossible. This is especially true for Autistic people because our Autisticness informs so many aspects of our lives that it is impossible for autism to be separated from the person. Even allistic Disabled people, though, cannot be separated from their experiences of being Disabled by society and their bodies/brains. And you know what? “Disabled” is not a dirty word, and that is because disability does not reflect negatively on the person. Seeing disability as reflecting negatively on the Disabled person is ableism, full stop.

Three, “person with a disability” is a misguided attempt at making people see Disabled people’s humanity that is predicated on an ableist idea. If someone has to say “person with a disability” in order to remind themselves that a Disabled person is indeed a person, that’s rooted in ableism too deep to be fixed by an incorrect euphemism that is in and of itself ableist. PFL, instead of emphasizing a person’s humanity, plays into the aforementioned (point two) ableist concept of disability; if you have to separate disability from the person because “oooooh disability is BAD”, that’s ableism. (Remember how I said earlier, though, that PFL is preferred for people with cancer? Yeah, this is why. People saying that cancer is horrible are completely right.)

Look, words mean things and semantics have an effect on how people think. IFL recognizes the experiences and identity and humanity of Disabled people. PFL dehumanizes Disabled people. Which one would you rather use as a default? (If you say PFL, get the fuck off my blog.)

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May the 4th Be With You (2019); Acceptance vs. Awareness, Revisited

Content/trigger warning: abuse mention, cursing, slurs (censored)

Happy Star Wars Day!

Honestly, one of my favorite parts of Star Wars Day is that it’s in May, meaning that fucking April is over. (I should just call it Fucking April from now on. It’s no longer April. It’s Fucking April. Or Autism Hell Month.) Unfortunately, when I escaped domestic abuse back in January, I forgot to bring my glitter eye shadow with me. So I’m wearing a glittery shawl, glittery nail polish, glittery earrings, and eye shadow that has at least some glitter in it. And a shirt with Carrie Fisher’s signature on it.

Anyway, May. May is also Mental Health Awareness Month, which…yeah, I’m not big on that name. As I’ve mentioned on this blog before–specifically in regards to autism–“awareness” is not the best concept to use in pro-ND activism. So I’m going to use this entry to talk a little about the terminology surrounding Mental Health Awareness Month and similar concepts related to pro-ND activism.

In my acceptance vs. awareness entry, I said the following:

Needless to say, I don’t like awareness campaigns. This makes me nervous when I see awareness campaigns for mental illnesses. “Awareness”, to me, will always have the connotation of “be aware, these people are Other”. It matters quite a bit, though, who runs the campaigns. Autism $peaks’ flavor of “bewareness” is motivated by allistics who hold an inherently bigoted view of Autistic people. Many mental illness awareness campaigns are actually run by people with the illness. That makes a huge difference. I would still prefer to see acceptance campaigns because I don’t like the connotation of “awareness”, but that might be me.

Yeah, I don’t think it’s just me. “Awareness” isn’t enough. Mentally healthy people are aware of psychotic disorders and they still use “psychotic” to describe violent assholes. Mentally healthy people are aware of cluster B disorders and still use “n*rc*ss*st”, “p****path”, and “s****path” to describe abusers. Mentally healthy people are aware of PTSD and they still use “triggered” to mean “offended”. Mentally healthy people are aware of depression and they still don’t know not to call the police for “wellness checks” when a loved one is suicidal.

We have awareness. What we need now is acceptance. This is necessary in part because acceptance requires understanding. I’ve seen the pattern so many times of mentally healthy people claiming they support their mentally ill loved ones but freaking out and being unsupportive and straight up saneist as soon as their loved ones start showing symptoms. Acceptance means knowing that being mentally ill means having certain traits and symptoms and not being a dickweed when a person shows those traits or symptoms.

Of course, this means that mentally healthy people need to be educated about how mental illness actually works. That, to me, is what “awareness” campaigns should actually be; not just saying “whatever percent of people have X diagnosis” but saying “X diagnosis means [symptoms A, B, and C]” and “X diagnosis does not mean [saneist stereotypes D, E, and F]”. I’m not so naive that I think that all mentally healthy people are going to learn from acceptance campaigns and stop being saneist as soon as they learn the truth about mental illness, but I do think that acceptance campaigns would be a good place to start.

As long as I’m yammering about terms, I don’t like the term “mental health advocate”. A lot of people call Carrie that, but it doesn’t make sense to me. Most “mental health advocates” are actually mentally ill people who talk about the absence of mental health. Being Autistic, I like the term “self-advocate”, which we in the Autie community often use–hell, there’s an entire big Autistic justice organization called the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network–and I think “self-advocate” would make more sense than simply “advocate”. “Mental health advocates” don’t advocate for mental health so much as they self-advocate for a particular kind of disability justice: psychiatric disability/mental illness justice. So “mental illness self-advocate” or “psychiatric disability self-advocate” make more sense to me, because those terms seem to actually mean “mentally ill person who self-advocates for justice for mentally ill people”. If “mental illness advocates” can’t self-advocate because aren’t actually mentally ill, then…well, they probably need to shut up and pass the mic. I also like the idea of “[psychiatric] disability activist” as a term if “self-advocate” seems too, well, self-centered and not focused enough on fighting for justice for the mentally ill community.

Continuing to yammer about terms, I also said this in my last acceptance vs. awareness entry:

Side note: “stigma” is really a manifestation of neurotypicalism. It’s a system of oppression, not just an unfortunate opinion. That’s important to keep in mind.

Still true. Because of this, I don’t like it when people talk about “destigmatizing mental illness” or “mental illness stigma” without mentioning the larger context. Just saying “stigma” isn’t enough because it doesn’t get at the root of the problem. I’d prefer that people say “mental illness stigma as a result of saneism”. Talking about stigma is fine–it totally exists and is a real problem–but the reason why stigma exists is that society is set up to oppress mentally ill people and privilege mentally healthy people. The big picture is always important in social justice. And this includes acknowledging intersecting axes of oppression as well; there are some denizens of Disabled Twitter who I really admire, especially @autistichoya, who often talk about how white supremacy supports ableism and that there is no dismantling ableism without dismantling white supremacy. I really hope to feature a guest blogger on that topic one day. Speaking of passing the mic.

That’s all I have for today. May the Fourth be with you. Wear #glitterforCarrie and fight for justice for mentally ill people in her honor.

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