I Can’t Even Fucking Listen to Music

Content/trigger warning: cursing, slurs (censored), disordered eating mention

So I have a new job.

It’s actually great. Well, mostly great. I’m doing something I love and that I’m good at, the location is fantastic, and most of the people are nice. Unfortunately, there’s always food around the office, which TFED (The Fucking Eating Disorder) is not pleased with. But anyway, I was at my new job and needing an afternoon caffeine fix, so I headed to Dunkin for their $2-latte-after-2-PM promotion. (I’m weak for espresso and deals. I admit it.)The music was too loud in Dunkin, which was almost an accessibility issue for me, and I was struggling to tune it out while I waited for my latte. A pop song was playing. I don’t like pop, so there was nothing remarkable about the song to me, but it was so damn loud it bored into my head. A generic female pop voice was singing some laterally misogynist sounding crap about another woman, and I barely had time to be annoyed by that before the song called this other woman “sweet but ps*cho”.

I swear.

For those of you who don’t know, I also curate two YouTube series, one about asexuality and one about my special interest in rock music. So you’d think this is the part where I say “well, pop songs may have saneist slurs in the chorus, but you wouldn’t find that in rock, metal, or punk!” Yeah, I fucking wish. There is ableism out the ass in those genres. In metal, vidist expressions are extremely common, right up to and including Trivium having a song literally called “Blind Leading the Blind”. Punk music loves to use ableist slurs and terms to refer to oppressors and/or bigots, with even bands like Bad Cop/Bad Cop that are usually aware of intersecting oppressions dropping “l*natic” and “ins*ne”. Rock music in general uses ableist language like it’s going out of style; I could name you several rock songs that have “ps*cho” in the title.

And it gets worse. Punk music has a tendency to med shame in the name of going after “Big Pharma”. “OxyM*r*nic” (which also has an ableist slur against ID/DD/LD people in the title, would you look at that?) by NOFX and “Limiter” by Descendents (which is on an album called Hypercaffium Sp*zzinate WHY DO I LISTEN TO ANY PUNK MUSIC EVER AODSHUAASDOBASDAFFFF) come to mind. It’s not only punk music, either; Delain, a Dutch symphonic metal outfit and one of my favorite bands of all time, has a song called “Your Body Is a Battleground” that not only med shames, but implies that psychiatric disabilities aren’t real.

It’s not only the music itself, either. People who are into the rock scene, especially the reviewer sphere, also love their ableism. I recently watched a popular YouTube music reviewer I don’t ordinarily watch trash the Nostalgia Cockstain’s The Wall album, and the reviewer joked about losing his sanity and having a panic attack as the result of the badness of the album. Another YouTube music reviewer I like and respect and even support on Patreon is fond of calling 2edgy4u musicians “p*****paths” and “s****paths”. Pitchfork Media’s website contains album reviews that straight up use the fucking r-slur.

I’m not sure what the point of all this whining is. I guess everything I have discussed here is a good example of just how entrenched ableism is. Not just entrenched, either, but terrifyingly normalized. And the pervasiveness of ableism in punk is a good example of how even leftist spaces condone ableism.Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go listen to Emilie Autumn, who writes about mental illness from the perspective of “wow, misogynableism sucks”.

Misogynableism and Greta Thunberg

Content/trigger warning: discussion of ableism, misogyny, and misogynableism; cursing

As with most of the things I blog about, I’m sure someone else has done a better job writing about this, but I’m going to try anyway.

I’m going to preface this entry by saying that Greta Thunberg, while she’s awesome, is not the only young climate activist we need to be paying attention to. Others include Autumn Peltier, Helena Gualinga, Tekanang, Penny Tovar, Lamboginny, Sarah-Anna Awad, Bertine Lakjohn, Liza Zhytkova, Veer Qumar Mattabadul, and Daniel Gbujie recently participated in the first UN Youth Climate Summit. They hail from all over the world and many of them are teenagers. Greta shouldn’t be getting all the attention because she’s white.

But we do need to talk about the misogynableism against her. Greta—who, for those who don’t know, is a sixteen-year-old Swedish climate change activist who recently testified about climate change at the UN—is Autistic, and unapologetic about it; she says being neurodivergent is a “superpower” for her. (I personally don’t like the supercrip narrative, but she’s sixteen and the narratives about Autisticness are different in Sweden compared to the US; give her a break.) Fox News recently called her mentally ill because she is Autistic, intending it as an insult and misunderstanding that Autisticness is not a mental illness but a neurodevelopmental disability. (Note: if you’re reading this blog, you damn well know that calling someone mentally ill shouldn’t be an insult. But Fox intended it as an insult because they’re saneist.) When Greta was preparing to speak in public a few weeks ago, she uttered the phrase “Sorry, my brain isn’t working properly.” Keep in mind that many Autistic people struggle with speaking and that English is not Greta’s first language. But Twitter took this and ran with it, with scores of people retweeting the video and calling Greta any number of ableist insults.

I saw at least one article calling the bullshit Greta was receiving misogyny. Do I think that Greta would be receiving less bullshit if she were male? Absolutely. Do I think that “misogyny” fully encapsulates the bullshit Greta is receiving? Absolutely not. This is especially evident in the way people insult her facial expressions. Greta has been described by the Autistic community as having “resting Autistic face”. While allistic people often make the effort to contort their faces into pleasant expressions with fake smiles in order to appear more…I don’t know, approachable? I don’t really get it…Autistic people often don’t bother with that (or if we do, we’re aware we’re only doing it to fulfill some bullshit allistic social contact). Greta doesn’t bother with that. She’s talking about serious issues and she looks serious while doing it. So she gets a lot of the misogynist “she’d be prettier/have more success/be more personable if she smiled more” and a lot of the ableist “look at her affect, she’s clearly [ableist insult of choice]”. The misogynist bullshit and ableist bullshit inform each other, resulting in misogynableist bullshit.

Much to my chagrin, it isn’t only misogynableist cockwaffles that are giving Greta bullshit. Some of the Autistic community is writing her off too. Why? Because in the United States, most of the Autistic community looks down on Aspie supremacy, and most of the Disabled community looks down on the supercrip narrative. For those who don’t know, Aspie supremacy is an attitude that some Autistic people who were diagnosed with Asperger’s have toward the rest of the Autistic community. This attitude can be described as “Oh, we’re not like ~*~those~*~ Autistic people who are low-functioning; we’re brilliant and gifted and better”. The supercrip narrative is a common ableist trope depicting Disabled people as “making up for” their disability (ugh) by doing things like climbing Mount Everest or making groundbreaking scientific discoveries. Obviously there’s nothing wrong with Disabled people doing those things; it’s when abled people start blubbering about how “they overcame their disabilities” and then expecting other Disabled people to just not be Disabled because “if xyz Disabled person can do abc, then clearly you don’t need your mobility device/accommodations/etc.” that it becomes a harmful supercrip narrative.

So yes, okay, some of what Greta Thunberg said could be interpreted as buying into the Aspie supremacy and/or supercrip narratives. I get it. But she also isn’t USian; my understanding is that Aspie supremacy isn’t really a concept that is discussed in the Swedish Autistic community. She also isn’t speaking her first language when she’s talking about Asperger’s being a superpower. Most importantly, she is fucking sixteen. I wonder if all of the grown ass Autistic people pooh-poohing Greta for not being intimately familiar with harmful ableist narratives knew about those narratives themselves at sixteen.

Tl;dr Greta Thunberg is a badass and shitting on her for being female and Disabled is terrible and bigoted, but shitting on her for not being perfect about Autisticness-related social justice concepts through a USian lens is also bad. Also, listen to young climate activists of color too, because many of them paved the way for Greta and they’re still out there kicking ass.

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Goddammit, Sesame Street!

Content/trigger warning: discussion of virulent ableism including filicide, Autism $peaks, cursing

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.

Why am I even doing this? Sara Luterman already wrote an article for Slate about this. I haven’t read it because I’m afraid I would just copy what she said for this blog entry…but if I did that, it’d probably be better than whatever I’m about to spit out.

ANYWAY. Some background.

Sesame Street has just partnered with the organization Autism Speaks, so I’ll give a little background on Sesame Street’s Autistic character, Julia, as well as some background on Autism Speaks. Julia was introduced to Sesame Street in 2015 as part of an initiative called “See Amazing in All Children”. One of the aims of Julia’s character was to introduce young allistic children to the idea of accepting Autistic people for who we are, even if we seem strange and unusual at first. (I would hope that the aim was also to allow Autistic children to see themselves represented, but I’m not that optimistic.) For example, “The Amazing Song” was used to demonstrate that Autistic people can feel, and Julia wore ear defenders when she was featured in the Macy’s Day Parade, normalizing Autistic people needing sensory protection. Julia even stims; her puppet has a special pair of arms that allow her to flap her hands.

Now for some background on Autism $peaks. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that Autism $peaks is a pseudoscience- and fearmongering-peddling hate group that would love to see Autistic people eugenically eliminated. If you haven’t been reading my blog, now you know that. For more information on why A$ is a hate group, I wrote a blog entry about it: https://thisisforyoucarrie.blog/2018/04/03/autism-speaks-is-a-hate-group/

I believe that Autism $peaks, much to the chagrin of Autistic people, was involved from the get-go. To be frank, I’m not positive about that, and I don’t know exactly what hand A$ had in Julia’s creation or if they influenced Julia’s portrayal before now. I had trouble researching this because, like many Autistic people, I find reading about A$ triggering. (Also, Googling “Sesame Street Autism Speaks” seems to only bring up recent entries.) I do know that ASAN, the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network, an Autistic-run org, was also involved in Julia’s creation. This was crucial because we hardly ever get to be the arbiters of our own representation. So what has changed? Well, Sesame Street is partnering with A$ to—I swear to fuck I’m not making this up—push a “kit” that is supposed to help parents of a newly diagnosed Autistic kid to process the diagnosis as if their child were dead.

Again, I’m not bullshitting. I wish I were.

The 100-Day Kit, as it’s called, has a section outlining the five stages of grief. This is unbelievably harmful because it buys into the narrative that when a child is diagnosed as Autistic, any child that the parent/s could have wanted is dead and a new incomprehensible monster has taken their place. It paints Autisticness as a tragedy. Fucking excuse me but my brain is not a tragedy, thanks very much.

There are other problems with the 100 Day Kit, such as A$’s usual pseudoscience-pushing with a “cure” diet backed by precisely zero reproducible scientific research, but I don’t think I have to belabor the point. The 100-Day Kit promotes the idea that Autisticness is a tragedy and that parents should mourn for the precious allistic child they didn’t get when their child is diagnosed as Autistic. I mean, how the fuck do you think an Autistic child is going to feel when they see this shit? They’ll think their parents wish they were an entirely different person, or that their parents don’t love them. How is that seeing the amazing in every child, Sesame Street!? Not to mention the autism-as-tragedy narrative contributes to filicide, as I mentioned in the previously linked blog entry.

This decision is incontrovertibly harmful to children who see themselves in Julia, Sesame Street. This is why ASAN severed ties with you. This is why the Autistic community is begging you to reconsider your partnership with a hate group that would rather people like Julia—like me—not exist.

I have to stop now. This is too fucking upsetting. I’ll conclude with a quote from Jim Sinclair about why messages like A$’ are so harmful: “This is what we know, when you tell us of your fondest hopes and dreams for us: that your greatest wish is that one day we will cease to be, and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces.”

Identity-First Language and Why You Should Default to It

Content/trigger warning: cursing, discussion of ableism

I feel like other people (*cough* Autistic Hoya *cough*) have done this better than I can, but I’m going to try my hand at this: why “D/disabled” is preferable to “person with a disability”, i.e. why person-first language (PFL) is a load of crap and identity-first language (IFL) is more respectful. Note: this is in general. There are individuals who use person-first language, and—as far as I’ve heard—people with Down syndrome prefer, well, the phrasing I just used. I have also seen PFL being used for people with cancer.

So, why (in general) should you say “disabled” instead of “person with a disability”? Several reasons. One, the social model aspect of disability. I maintain that the social model of disability, which posits that disability exists because society is not set up to accommodate Disabled people, is flawed—even with all access barriers removed, my brain would still be trying to kill me, and it would still fuck seriously with my ability to do things—but the ablenormativity inherent in society does indeed disable Disabled people. The use of “person with a disability” instead of “disabled” ignores this crucial fact.

Two, “person with a disability” implies that disability can be separated from a person. Because of the social aspect of disability, this is impossible. This is especially true for Autistic people because our Autisticness informs so many aspects of our lives that it is impossible for autism to be separated from the person. Even allistic Disabled people, though, cannot be separated from their experiences of being Disabled by society and their bodies/brains. And you know what? “Disabled” is not a dirty word, and that is because disability does not reflect negatively on the person. Seeing disability as reflecting negatively on the Disabled person is ableism, full stop.

Three, “person with a disability” is a misguided attempt at making people see Disabled people’s humanity that is predicated on an ableist idea. If someone has to say “person with a disability” in order to remind themselves that a Disabled person is indeed a person, that’s rooted in ableism too deep to be fixed by an incorrect euphemism that is in and of itself ableist. PFL, instead of emphasizing a person’s humanity, plays into the aforementioned (point two) ableist concept of disability; if you have to separate disability from the person because “oooooh disability is BAD”, that’s ableism. (Remember how I said earlier, though, that PFL is preferred for people with cancer? Yeah, this is why. People saying that cancer is horrible are completely right.)

Look, words mean things and semantics have an effect on how people think. IFL recognizes the experiences and identity and humanity of Disabled people. PFL dehumanizes Disabled people. Which one would you rather use as a default? (If you say PFL, get the fuck off my blog.)

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May the 4th Be With You (2019); Acceptance vs. Awareness, Revisited

Content/trigger warning: abuse mention, cursing, slurs (censored)

Happy Star Wars Day!

Honestly, one of my favorite parts of Star Wars Day is that it’s in May, meaning that fucking April is over. (I should just call it Fucking April from now on. It’s no longer April. It’s Fucking April. Or Autism Hell Month.) Unfortunately, when I escaped domestic abuse back in January, I forgot to bring my glitter eye shadow with me. So I’m wearing a glittery shawl, glittery nail polish, glittery earrings, and eye shadow that has at least some glitter in it. And a shirt with Carrie Fisher’s signature on it.

Anyway, May. May is also Mental Health Awareness Month, which…yeah, I’m not big on that name. As I’ve mentioned on this blog before–specifically in regards to autism–“awareness” is not the best concept to use in pro-ND activism. So I’m going to use this entry to talk a little about the terminology surrounding Mental Health Awareness Month and similar concepts related to pro-ND activism.

In my acceptance vs. awareness entry, I said the following:

Needless to say, I don’t like awareness campaigns. This makes me nervous when I see awareness campaigns for mental illnesses. “Awareness”, to me, will always have the connotation of “be aware, these people are Other”. It matters quite a bit, though, who runs the campaigns. Autism $peaks’ flavor of “bewareness” is motivated by allistics who hold an inherently bigoted view of Autistic people. Many mental illness awareness campaigns are actually run by people with the illness. That makes a huge difference. I would still prefer to see acceptance campaigns because I don’t like the connotation of “awareness”, but that might be me.

Yeah, I don’t think it’s just me. “Awareness” isn’t enough. Mentally healthy people are aware of psychotic disorders and they still use “psychotic” to describe violent assholes. Mentally healthy people are aware of cluster B disorders and still use “n*rc*ss*st”, “p****path”, and “s****path” to describe abusers. Mentally healthy people are aware of PTSD and they still use “triggered” to mean “offended”. Mentally healthy people are aware of depression and they still don’t know not to call the police for “wellness checks” when a loved one is suicidal.

We have awareness. What we need now is acceptance. This is necessary in part because acceptance requires understanding. I’ve seen the pattern so many times of mentally healthy people claiming they support their mentally ill loved ones but freaking out and being unsupportive and straight up saneist as soon as their loved ones start showing symptoms. Acceptance means knowing that being mentally ill means having certain traits and symptoms and not being a dickweed when a person shows those traits or symptoms.

Of course, this means that mentally healthy people need to be educated about how mental illness actually works. That, to me, is what “awareness” campaigns should actually be; not just saying “whatever percent of people have X diagnosis” but saying “X diagnosis means [symptoms A, B, and C]” and “X diagnosis does not mean [saneist stereotypes D, E, and F]”. I’m not so naive that I think that all mentally healthy people are going to learn from acceptance campaigns and stop being saneist as soon as they learn the truth about mental illness, but I do think that acceptance campaigns would be a good place to start.

As long as I’m yammering about terms, I don’t like the term “mental health advocate”. A lot of people call Carrie that, but it doesn’t make sense to me. Most “mental health advocates” are actually mentally ill people who talk about the absence of mental health. Being Autistic, I like the term “self-advocate”, which we in the Autie community often use–hell, there’s an entire big Autistic justice organization called the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network–and I think “self-advocate” would make more sense than simply “advocate”. “Mental health advocates” don’t advocate for mental health so much as they self-advocate for a particular kind of disability justice: psychiatric disability/mental illness justice. So “mental illness self-advocate” or “psychiatric disability self-advocate” make more sense to me, because those terms seem to actually mean “mentally ill person who self-advocates for justice for mentally ill people”. If “mental illness advocates” can’t self-advocate because aren’t actually mentally ill, then…well, they probably need to shut up and pass the mic. I also like the idea of “[psychiatric] disability activist” as a term if “self-advocate” seems too, well, self-centered and not focused enough on fighting for justice for the mentally ill community.

Continuing to yammer about terms, I also said this in my last acceptance vs. awareness entry:

Side note: “stigma” is really a manifestation of neurotypicalism. It’s a system of oppression, not just an unfortunate opinion. That’s important to keep in mind.

Still true. Because of this, I don’t like it when people talk about “destigmatizing mental illness” or “mental illness stigma” without mentioning the larger context. Just saying “stigma” isn’t enough because it doesn’t get at the root of the problem. I’d prefer that people say “mental illness stigma as a result of saneism”. Talking about stigma is fine–it totally exists and is a real problem–but the reason why stigma exists is that society is set up to oppress mentally ill people and privilege mentally healthy people. The big picture is always important in social justice. And this includes acknowledging intersecting axes of oppression as well; there are some denizens of Disabled Twitter who I really admire, especially @autistichoya, who often talk about how white supremacy supports ableism and that there is no dismantling ableism without dismantling white supremacy. I really hope to feature a guest blogger on that topic one day. Speaking of passing the mic.

That’s all I have for today. May the Fourth be with you. Wear #glitterforCarrie and fight for justice for mentally ill people in her honor.

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I Did an Activism for Autism Hell Month

Content/trigger warning: filicide, Autism $peaks mention, fucking April

I fucking hate April.

April drains the Autistic community. I keep hearing stories of burnout, depression, more frequent meltdowns and shutdowns, and completely shot executive function.

I feel that. I’ve been pretty damn useless this month.

But I did do something for April as a middle finger to Autism $peaks. I went to an open mic and sang a song in Katie McCarron’s memory, prefacing it with the story of her murder. My amazing fiancee—she proposed after my performance, and yes, I’m incandescently happy about that, and of course I said yes—filmed it. So here it is, with a transcript. Before the filming started, I introduced myself with my stage name, Valkyrja, which is Old Norse for “valkyrie”. Even before that, I asked if I could take the mic off the stand; the MC jokingly gave me a hard time and my Autistic ass thought he was being serious. Anyway, here’s the video and the transcript.

Transcript:

…and you can call me Valkyrie if you can’t flip the “r”, or if you aren’t interested in Old Norse, or whatever. And the song I have chosen to perform tonight is actually…[sigh] in memoriam, so I’d like to give a little context before I start, if that’s okay. I cannot see jack with these lights; I don’t know if I’m getting a nod, so I’m just going to go ahead.

Okay, I need you all to imagine something for me. I need you to imagine that you have a condition that causes you to perceive and interact with the world differently from most people. And yes, it’s certainly a disability, but it’s mostly so because of the way society treats you. Got that so far? Okay. Now, I need you to imagine that a MASSIVE charity—supposedly—gets the director of the third Harry Potter movie to make a short film about what it’s like to live with this condition…and they don’t get anyone with the condition to be involved. What the fuck, right? They got the director of The Prisoner of fucking Azkaban to direct the thing and couldn’t get anyone with the condition to even be interviewed? What the hell, right?

Now…this is where it starts getting fucked up. Trigger warning for ableism and murder. So, I want you to imagine that a board member on the charity who does not have the condition says in front of her daughter who does, in this film, she wishes she could kill her daughter and then herself.

[Crowd “oooh”s]

But she can’t, because she has a normal child to take care of. Stay with me.

[Someone in crowd says “all right”]

Now imagine this film premieres. A woman who doesn’t have the condition but has a child who does sees it. Three days later, this woman murders her young daughter who has the condition. You’d make some connections in your head about this series of events, wouldn’t you?

THEY HAPPENED. The “charity” is Autism Speaks. The film is Autism Every Day, which premiered in 2006, and yes, they got Alfonso Cuaron, the director of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban to direct, and yes, his name is fucking mud in the Autistic community right now. We hate that guy. And if you couldn’t tell by the way I couldn’t tell he [indicates MC, who was being an asshole earlier] was being an asshole, I’m Autistic as fuck.

So the young woman who was unfortunately murdered. Her name was Katie McCarron, and I would like to dedicate this performance of “We Are the Others” by Delain to her, may she rest in power.

[sigh] Okay, if I’m not gonna cry, I’m ready to sing.

I’m walking with Katie tonight,
She lives in the air that I breathe;
I can’t get it out of my mind
How you were left to bleed
Was it how you stim?
Or how you act?
I can’t believe
How she could act so violently,
Without regret,
But we will not forget

We are the others,
We are the cast outs,
We’re the outsiders
But you can’t hide us,
We are the others,
Black-eyed and battered,
You’re not out there on your own
If you feel mistreated,
Torn and cheated,
You’re not alone,
We are the others (we are the others)

As simple as air in your lungs
As simple as words on your lips
And no one should take that away
No one should argue this
Now with our heads up high
We’ll carry on,
And carry out,
And we won’t let them get us down,
Wear us out,
‘Cause we are not alone

We are the others,
We are the cast outs,
We’re the outsiders
But you can’t hide us,
We are the others,
Black-eyed and battered,
You’re not out there on your own
If you feel mistreated,
Torn and cheated,
You’re not alone,
We are the others (we are the others)

Normal is not the norm,
It’s just a uniform
(We are the others)
Forget about the norm,
(We’re the outsiders)
Take off your uniform,
(We are the others)
We are all beautiful,
(We are the others)

We are the others,
We are the cast outs,
We’re the outsiders
But you can’t hide us,
We are the others,
Black-eyed and battered,
You’re not out there on your own
If you feel mistreated,
Torn and cheated,
You’re not alone,
We are the others (we are the others)
We are the others (we are the others)
We are the others

 

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Misogynableism

Content/trigger warning: misogynableism (of course), cisheterosexism, exorsexism, violent ableism, sexual assault, ableist slurs, cursing

A while ago, I wrote an entry on emotional sensitivity and neurotypicalism. It contained the following quote:

“Anyway, let me give an example. Well, an intersectional example. ‘Hysteria’ used to be a mental illness. Women were actually diagnosed as ‘hysterical’ for, well, having strong feelings. Specifically, these feelings included anxiety, irritability, and nervousness. Oh, and sexually forward behavior. The term ‘hysteria’ was used because those dishing out the diagnosis literally believed that having a uterus caused the ‘mental illness’, and hysterectomies were sometimes carried out as treatment. (I’m mostly referring to what was happening to women in England and the States during the industrial era.) In any case, to this day, women are referred to as ‘hysterical’ when we are upset in order to delegitimize our feelings. This is an example of misogynableism: the intersection between misogyny and ableism. The use of the insult ‘hysteria’ is meant to undercut a woman’s experiences by insinuating that she is mentally ill, therefore her experiences and feelings about them can be ignored.”

Of course, there are women without uteruses and people with uteruses who are not women, but the Victorian-era white English and Statesians didn’t know that, and I stand by the assessment that “hysterical” is a misogynableist term. And I decided to do an entry on misogynableism.

If you’ve ever heard the phrase “don’t stick your dick in crazy”—with all its cisheterosexist assumptions intact—you’ve been exposed to misogynableism. No one ever says—again, with the cisheterosexist assumptions—“don’t let crazy stick their dick in you”. No, the big, scary problem is that the woman might be mentally ill.

The cisheterosexism in that example is starting to make me feel ill, so let’s move on to another example: the “hot, sane, single” meme. I had the misfortune of having to Google “hot, sane, single” for this entry as research, and DAMN did I find some doozies. Quotes from the execrable Tucker Max’s books. Reddit threads (naturally). YouTube videos. More traditional meme images. The idea of “hot, sane, single” is…ah hell this one’s heterosexist too. Why does the world suck? (Rhetorical question.) Anyway, the idea of “hot, sane, single” is that, according to misogynableist straight men, there is a problem among women that they can only be two of that trifecta. So yes, this is misogynist as fuck, and the fact that “sane” is one of the desirable traits makes it misogynableist.

A third example is a nerdy one, so bear with me. I play World of Warcraft. There’s a character in WoW called Jaina Proudmoore, and she was one of the few leaders in the game who was a known peacemonger, despite her interpersonal relationships being something of a Trauma Conga Line. And then her home—her entire fucking island—was destroyed. Horribly. And she experienced severe trauma from the event to the degree that her previously blonde hair turned white. Understandably, she decided to renounce her peaceful ways. She performed several morally questionable (at best) actions that were obvious to me as stemming from untreated—and, sadly, because Blizzard can’t write WoW women, yes I went there—uncontrolled (as in the character herself seemed to be making no attempt to rein in destructive impulses) PTSD. Rage at the source (or perceived source) of trauma is a lesser known PTSD symptom, but boy fucking howdy is it a symptom. Not to mention any actual character development of Jaina’s is ignored in the writing, which focuses only on her rage at her enemies, i.e., her PTSD symptoms.

Anyway, one of the quest rewards one can get in WoW is a picture of Jaina Proudmoore with blonde hair, and the description of it is “before she went crazy”. First of all, Blizz, you were the ones who wrote Jaina’s behavior, so fuck you for insulting her acting the way you decided to portray her. The portrayal itself is pretty misogynableist; using a female character as a prop to make players of one faction believe that the other faction is bad, all while calling obvious PTSD a saneist slur. (Yes, other WoW players, I know I simplified Jaina’s story, but…come on, you know WoW lore. I had to.)

The next example is a terrifying and depressing one, so hold on to your asses. Disabled women are twice as likely to be abused—sexually and otherwise—than their abled counterparts. And while Disabled people overall are three times more likely than abled people to be sexually assaulted at least once, the rate at which Disabled women are sexually assaulted is 83%. You read that right. Eighty-three percent of Disabled women will experience at least one sexual assault in their lifetime. If you want a direct comparison between men and women (I know, I know, exorsexist, but I couldn’t find stats on sexual assault of Disabled nonbinary people), 80% of ID/DD women will experience one sexual assault in their lifetime, compared to 30% of ID/DD men. Oh, right, source.

I’m super low on fuel right now, but I also want to mention fetishization of mentally ill women. “Why are the hot ones always crazy?”. Weird and creepy bullshit about how maybe you’re not supposed to stick your dick in crazy, but the crazy girls are better in bed. Recent depictions of Harley Quinn, especially in Suicide Squad. I…uh…there are probably more. Can’t think of any right now, but the next time you see one, think about those sexual assault statistics.

Of course, none of this even touches the intersections with queerness, race, religion, class, and more, but I decided to write about–or at least, start with–two axes I was most familiar with. You bet your ass I could write about how being a queer woman intersects with ableism. And intersections really need to be discussed more, because there’s no dismantling ableism without dismantling white supremacy, heteronormativity, capitalism, etc. Perhaps more on that later; I’m hoping I can get some guest bloggers who experience oppression that I don’t to help me with that.

Oh, right, and I have a Patreon now! https://www.patreon.com/ARZinzani If you’re learning from my blog, please consider supporting me. You’ll even get to vote on what other entries I write or, at higher tiers, request topics for me to write about.

How to Write an Autistic Character (Without Being an Ableist Shitpile)

Content/trigger warning: discussion of ableism

If you’re active in the Autistic community, you’ve probably heard of Puppetgate. If you haven’t heard of Puppetgate, the gist is that some asshole who thinks he’s an expert because he has served as a carer for Autistic people thought it was a brilliant idea to write a play (it’s called All in a Row) about paaaaaaaaaaaaarents institutionalizing their young Autistic son, Laurence, and have Laurence be represented by a terrifying grey-faced puppet.

Yes. Really.

Yes, if you look up “dehumanizing” in the dictionary, you might as well see a picture of that puppet.

Anyway, many denizens of Disabled Twitter have said more eloquently than I could have why Puppetgate is fucking gross (@crippledscholar especially, but also @vrolijk5, @slooterman, @challahwithjam, @ebthen, @AutisticMadeArt, and plenty of others have at least one incisive tweet about the issue), so my contribution is going to be a guide on how to write an Autistic character without being an ableist shitpile. If you’ve been reading my blog, there’s going to be some information you’ve seen me discuss before, but I wanted to frame the guide as something that can be shared, used, and understood by people who have no familiarity with my blog.

Here we go.

What autism is

Autism is a neurological/developmental disability. The Autistic community rarely discusses autism by calling it, well, autism, because it is not a disease but a lifelong neurodevelopmental difference. Autistic people exist not so much on a spectrum but a ball of wibbly-wobbly, stimmy-wimmy, speaking-nonspeaking stuff, and we have a massive variety of traits from the veritable constellation of traits that make us who we are. It is not something to be cured, but rather understood and celebrated.


What being Autistic feels like

In a nutshell, that meme “everything happens so much” is a pretty good descriptor. We often feel very, very intensely. This includes physically and emotionally. We are often very sensitive. Aside from that, our experiences are incredibly diverse.


Stimming

Ah, stimming. I love stimming. Stimming, short for “stimulation”, is the repetition of a sensory activity. Stimming can be auditory, visual, tactile, olfactory, gustatory, kinesthetic…pretty much related to any sense you can think of. It can be done as an expression of joy or stress, to help with focus, or just because we feel like it. The most well-known stims are hand-flapping and rocking back and forth. I was stimming by smelling my hair when I wrote this, because I use argan oil on my hair and it smells amazing. I have a lot of olfactory stims. I also stim by tapping my nails, rocking back and forth, flapping, spinning, smelling scents I find soothing or pleasant, singing, doing vocal warm-up techniques, running thin objects underneath my fingernails (often done with the chain of a necklace), chewing/biting stim toys, getting tight hugs or lying under a weighted blanket, and listening to certain songs on repeat. When writing an Autistic character, figure out what their favorite stims are and when they tend to stim. Some of us favor happy stimming, some only stim when we’re upset, some stim all the damn time…you have plenty of options.

When writing about how stimming feels, happy stimming feels exhilarating and freeing. It is a very consuming feeling; when happy stimming, we tend to be quite focused on it and how good it is making us feel. Stressed stimming can be self-injurious, like hitting oneself or walls, but pain isn’t usually on our radar at the time and may only be felt later. Hand-flapping and rocking are well-known stims because they are often seen under times of stress. Stressed stimming feels like a relief, or a release from something terrifyingly overwhelming. It can also be comforting; lying under a weighted blanket gives me a feeling of immense calm. And remember, stimming is repetitive. Whatever your character does to stim will be done a bunch of times!

Your Autistic character may carry something stimmy with them at all times. Stim jewelry and stim toys are becoming more and more popular. Since I love olfactory stimming, I always carry my three favorite perfumes with me.
Autistic special interests

Many of us have special interests. We aren’t very good at liking things casually. When we have a special interest, we eagerly devour any information we can find on the thing, and we seek the thing out and can focus on researching it or engaging in it for hours. Special interests can be pretty much anything. When writing an Autistic character, make sure you give them special interests that make sense for their personality. Don’t pick a stereotypical special interest like trains or calculus because that’s what you’ve seen in the media. If your Autistic character is really feminine, give her a special interest in ethically sourced makeup. If your Autistic character likes history, give them a special interest in a particular time period, like the Ottoman Empire. If your Autistic character is very attached to his dog, give him a special interest in dogs. We also almost never tire of talking about our special interests or engaging in them. If an Autistic character has a special interest in a movie, they could probably watch it three times in a row and love it every time.


Meltdowns/Shutdowns

Look, meltdowns suck. But they are a normal part of being Autistic in a world that does not accommodate us and as such triggers meltdowns. A meltdown is, essentially, a fight-or-flight response. During a meltdown, the brain behaves as if the Autistic person is in mortal peril. During a meltdown, you feel like you can’t breathe and that the world is closing in on you, and everything around you is just too much to handle and you just Can’t. During meltdowns, an Autistic character will probably lose the ability to speak and may cry or scream. Meltdowns are infamous for being self-injurious thanks to terrible parents who think it’s okay to film meltdowns and post them online, but not all meltdowns are self-injurious. If they are, the self-injury may manifest as striking one’s head, body, or fists against a wall or by hitting oneself. Meltdowns will pass after the Autistic person has gotten all the stress out of their system, often leaving the person exhausted. Some of us feel really sore after meltdowns even if we weren’t self-injurious. Sometimes instead of meltdowns, an Autistic person will have a shutdown, which consists of the brain basically switching itself off to avoid having to deal with whatever caused the shutdown. A shutdown feels like a “mute” button has been hit on a giant remote that controls the world.

An important part of writing meltdowns is to know why they happen. Allistic people tend to think that meltdowns are ~mysterious and have no cause, but really they don’t bother to understand our stressors. An Autistic person will not have a meltdown in order to get what they want, like a tantrum; something stressful will set off the meltdown. Meltdowns are often caused by sudden startling sensory input like a motorcycle revving or fireworks. Sometimes they are caused by something small in a long series of stressors; for example, if an Autistic person is tired and hungry and has been away from home a long time, they may go to a restaurant for dinner and the thing that pushes them into a meltdown is the restaurant being closed. I once had a meltdown because I do badly in the heat and had to be out in it for too long.

Another important thing about writing meltdowns is that they are way worse for the person having the meltdown than anyone who might be around. Writing the meltdown like it’s something terrifying to the bystanders and ignoring the Autistic person’s experience is ableist. Don’t do it.
Speaking

Some Autistic people are non-speaking (the preferred term is non-speaking, not non-verbal). Some Autistic people are hyperlexic chatterboxes. And everything in between exists too. Some hyperlexic Autistic people lose the ability to speak when under high levels of stress. Many non-speaking Autistic people use assistive technology like AAC communication boards or iPads in order to communicate through words. Some non-speaking Autistic people can sign. Many non-speaking Autistic people are capable of mentally forming words, but there is a disconnect between those words and being able to voice them. For me, ordinarily being able to speak and losing the ability to speak due to stress feels like a connection between my mouth and my brain has been severed. I may repeat words or stress-stim while I try to process the words I am attempting to say, or I may go completely silent and have to sign or write/type.

Scripts are key to Autistic communication. We learn to navigate social situations by figuring out (or being taught by friends) which scripts are appropriate for which situations. When Autistic people have trouble with social situations, it is often because we don’t have a script for the situation or because we don’t know which script to pick. I like to describe my social awkwardness as “error 404: script not found”. Use of scripts means your Autistic character may often use the exact same words in similar situations, especially when telling stories of something that happened to them or responding to common social situations like accepting a gift or being invited to a social gathering.

Your Autistic character may be able to speak all the time, be entirely non-speaking, or only be able to speak when not under stress. Keep in mind the stressors listed above when trying to figure out what might cause your Autistic character to stop being able to speak. On the other hand, Autistic chatterboxes often have good vocabularies and will love to talk endlessly about their special interests (infodumping).
Empathy

Autistic people supposedly have low empathy. However, there isn’t just one type of empathy. The type of empathy Autistic people most often struggle with is called cognitive empathy. Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand other people’s perspectives, mental states, or motivations, and to be able to intuit what another person would think in a certain situation. An Autistic character may often make mistakes when trying to figure out what someone else is thinking or why they are doing what they’re doing, and may be confused at other people’s behavior or logic.

Affective empathy is the kind of empathy Autistic people often don’t have according to harmful stereotypes. Affective empathy is the ability to sense and/or understand other people’s emotions. We supposedly don’t have good affective empathy because while we may be able to understand that someone is feeling a certain way, we often don’t have the necessary scripts to respond to the other person’s feelings. Many Autistic people are hyperempathic for affective empathy and take on others’ feelings as their own; this gets very overwhelming. So an Autistic character might be able to sense other peoples’ distress and want to help but not be able to, or be able to sense someone else’s frustration but not know what to say to make the person feel better, etc.

Some Autistic people do indeed have low affective empathy. This trait is frequently demonized. If you do write any neurodivergent character with low affective empathy, be extremely careful you are not inadvertently making them look evil or wrong because of their difficulty reading and understanding people’s emotions. A good example of a character with low affective empathy written well is Rose Quartz from Steven Universe.
Eye contact

Autistic people are like cats in that we feel threatened by eye contact. We’re not trying to be rude when we don’t make eye contact; it upsets us. Your Autistic character may not care whether or not people know they aren’t making eye contact or may fake by looking at the person’s eyebrows (like I do) or looking in the general direction of the person’s face and looking into the middle distance. Your Autistic character may be unaware of what color eyes people have because of this.


Other

Many Autistic people have auditory processing disorder, sensory processing disorder, echolalia, prosopagnosia, elopement, dermatillomania, and/or trichotillomania. Auditory processing disorder usually involves not being able to parse the sounds in words into said words and not being able to distinguish background noise from something right near you. It often means having really sensitive ears and being easily startled by loud noises (hi).

Sensory processing disorder is very common in Autistic people and involves sensory input not being adequately processed; usually not fast enough. Sensory processing disorder often presents itself by being unable to tolerate certain textures (especially in food!), noises, or grooming products. SPD is why a lot of Autistic people have trouble grooming ourselves. (My SPD acts up when my skin produces a lot of oil, which means showers are a wonderful relief from sensory hell for me, but I’m weird.)

Echolalia is key to how a lot of Autistic people think. It often involves repeating words that we have just heard, but often we retain phrases or words we hear that appeal to us and we will repeat them. Sometimes we repeat them as part of scripts, and sometimes we repeat them because it is fun. Echolalia is an imitative behavior, meaning we get these things we like to vocalize from other places. This can be books, movies, other people, songs, whatever; when I’m stressed, my echolalia kicks in and I speak mostly in movie and song quotes. (So echolalia can also become part of scripts.) Your Autistic character may have certain sources of echolalia that they like, such as people who they respect, or they may get the stuff they repeat from varying sources.

Prosopagnosia is also called face blindness. Autistic people with prosopagnosia are, in essence, crap with faces. This can mean just bad at reading facial expressions, completely unable to distinguish different faces, and everything in between. Having prosopagnosia often feels like seeing faces as disorganized collections of features instead of faces as a whole.

Elopement is when an Autistic person feels overwhelmed or threatened and leaves a situation. This often involves leaving a house, but can also be running from a social situation. Allistics like to call this behavior ~mysterious as well, but elopement is caused by stress. When we want out because of a sensory issue or because we don’t have a script for something or whatever, we may feel threatened, and we get out. It’s that simple. Your Autistic character will not elope for the hell of it. They will run from something if they feel like they are in danger.

Dermatillomania and trichotillomania are similar. Dermatillomania is skin-picking and trichotillomania is hair-pulling. Both are often done as stress-stims, and most Autistic people who do them try to re-channel that harmful stim into a different stim. So if your Autistic character does either, they probably are doing it unintentionally but may try to actively do a different stim when they catch themselves doing one or the other. Important note: neither is usually done as deliberate self-harm.
Final notes

Be critical of yourself when writing an Autistic character. With every one of their traits, make sure you think “Why am I writing this?” and if the answer is “Because I’ve seen it often in the media”, reexamine your motivation. There are a lot of harmful stereotypes out there, many of them perpetuated by so-called charities like Autism Speaks. Common misinformation includes that meltdowns, elopement, and self-injury don’t have causes, stimming must be stopped, that Autistic traits must be suppressed, that there are more Autistic men than women or non-binary people, and that only children can be Autistic. If you believe any of those, read more books and blog posts by Autistic people before writing your character. Recommendations include the book Loud Hands by Julia Bascom, and the blogs Autistic Hoya by Lydia Brown and Non-Speaking Autistics Speaking by Amy Sequenzia. (Temple Grandin is a pro-ABA Aspie supremacist I do NOT recommend her work for research on how to write Autistic characters.)

In light of Puppetgate, I would think I wouldn’t even have to say this, but apparently I do: if you’re not Autistic, don’t write a non-human character as Autistic unless most or all of the characters in the story are not human. We’re already dehumanized enough. Don’t write an android as your only Autistic character on a starship full of humans, don’t make the lone lawful good orc in your fantasy realm your only Autistic character, and DEFINITELY don’t represent a human Autistic character with a fucking puppet (unless you’re the Muppets, because having puppet characters is kind of their thing).

Hermeneutical Injustice

Content/trigger warning: discussion of ableism, cursing (these are probably true for most entries…), mention of Autism $peaks, eugenics, ABA

Internalized ableism is sadly common. I see it all the time, from Disabled people who choose to use terms like “person with a disability” and “the disabled” to those who are pro-eugenics. I’m also queer, and I see internalized ableism far more often than I see internalized queermisia. I’m also female, and I see internalized ableism far more often than I see internalized misogyny (in general; if we’re talking specifically about white women, that’s another story). I’ve often wondered why so many Disabled people so staunchly advocate against their own rights and don’t understand that their lives have as much value as those of abled people. As much as I want to boost the voices of other Disabled people, when Disabled people are advocating against disability justice…well, I struggle with that. I can’t say their voices don’t matter, but when another Autistic person says “figuring out the genetic causes of autism is important so people like me can be eugenically eliminated”, I sure as shit don’t want abled people hearing that and thinking that Autistic people universally want to stop existing.

I thought about how difficult it was for me to find information from Disabled self-advocates and how long it was after my various diagnoses that I started learning about disability justice. I started to wonder if so many Disabled people have such terrifying internalized ableism because they don’t have access to information about disability justice. Not only do they not have information about disability justice, what they do have is an omnipresent avalanche of ableist bullshit. I mean, hell, when a newly diagnosed Autistic person googles “autism”, they’ll probably find fucking Autism $peaks. (I’ve discussed before why that organization is a hate group). They’ll probably also find information on conversion therapy based on the mistaken idea that autism is a behavioral disability, not a cognitive one, and aimed at making Autistic people more palatable to the allistic people in our lives at the cost of our mental health and autonomy. (This “therapy” is called applied behavior analysis, or ABA, and I’ll do another entry on why it’s harmful later.) Ableist misinformation is everyfuckingwhere because ableism is built into society, and I started thinking that the fact that Disabled people internalize that misinformation is a manifestation of ableism.

As it turns out, I might be onto something. A philosopher named Miranda Fricker defined the term “hermeneutical injustice” as follows:

“In cases of hermeneutical injustice, we harm people by obscuring aspects of their own experience. Our dominant schemas–our assumptions, what we take as common ground–about a particular group can make it difficult for members of that group to understand or articulate their own experiences qua members of that group.”

That’s in academic-ese, so let me try to translate. Hermeneutical injustice is when society keeps important information about group X from the people in group X and instead feeds them bullshit, making it difficult or impossible for members of group X to understand or talk about being X. Doesn’t that sound like what I was talking about a few paragraphs ago?

So when I see Disabled people with deeply ingrained internalized ableism, I try to remember that they probably haven’t had the access to the resources I do, and I try to share my resources. I’m still working out how to discuss hermeneutical injustice with the people it affects. Nobody wants to be told “Your ideas are wrong because you’ve been fed bullshit”, even though that is frequently a logical response to statements like “I can’t be ableist; I have a disability!”.

How do we address hermeneutical injustice, then? I try to make disability justice resources more available, and I write this blog, but hermeneutical injustice comes from societal oppression. The best way to confront hermeneutical injustice is to dismantle the oppressive structures that perpetuate abled supremacy (and white supremacy, patriarchy, etc.; they’re all interrelated. Intersectionality may be an entry for another day…or multiple entries. Hmm. I’ll get back to you on that). Yeah, yeah, I know. Tall order. But the alternative is for Disabled people to continue believing our lives don’t matter. And that’s unacceptable.

Several Things…

Content/trigger warning: discussion of ableism, including common emotional abuse techniques, cursing (do I always warn for cursing? I should, seeing as I curse like I just discovered the words)

Hey! Guess who did NaNoWriMo and didn’t blog for a whole month because she was busy trying to hit 50k? This lady! (I did finish NaNo, though.)

To get back into the swing of things, this seemed like the perfect blog entry to talk about a few small things that don’t really need an entire standard Mara length blog entry to cover. This is going to be a list-heavy entry: I’m going to talk about common lines of advice that are actually ableist (and some are just dickweed things to say), laterally ableist behaviors that I often see, and why it’s ableist to mock “weird” triggers. (The last one will be a list because I’m going to share some of my more “weird” CPTSD triggers.) That said, let’s get started.

“Helpful” advice that’s ableist:

  • “You can overcome anything!” The whole idea of “overcoming” disability is ableist because it represents a fundamental misunderstanding of how disability works. If someone can do something that another Disabled person with the same condition can’t do, the first person didn’t “overcome” anything, they just experience the condition differently. Also, sometimes Disabled people can’t do things because of our disabilities. That’s why it’s called a DISability. Sometimes we can’t do shit. Deal with it. And by “deal with it” I mean “don’t tell us that we can do something we actually can’t, because that’s tremendously invalidating”.
  • “You HAVE to try yoga/dieting/exercise/acai suppositories/etc.” This one is rather conditional. Unsolicited advice is usually a No. Disability Etiquette 101: if a Disabled person is venting to you about debilitating symptoms, do not offer suggestions on how to fix the symptom unless asked, especially if you don’t know the person that well. You don’t know what the person has tried and if your potential solution is accessible to them. If someone is asking you what you did to address a particular symptom or if you have any ideas, go ahead and share away, but if someone is venting about their disability-related traits or symptoms, don’t try to fix them. Yes, even if XYZ thing worked on your same traits or symptoms. (If you really feel strongly about a suggestion, you can ask if the person talking to you is interested in hearing suggestions.)
  • “Don’t let it get to you.” This one is invalidating in general, but it’s especially shitty for neurodivergent people who are highly emotionally sensitive. Can people control how they react to feeling like shit? Sure, sometimes. But it’s a rare person indeed who can simply decide to not feel like shit in response to something that makes them feel like shit. Even if someone is ND and their condition makes them sensitive to something that makes them feel like shit that doesn’t make you feel like shit, that doesn’t mean that the ND person is doing feelings wrong or shouldn’t “let it get to them”. Asking people how you can help them feel better because you want them to feel better is great. Telling people to change their innate emotional responses, especially if those responses are due to neurodivergence, is an asshole move. Policing people’s more specific emotional symptoms (e.g. “it’s not that scary” in response to anxiety”) is also an asshole move.
  • “Be grateful it’s not worse.”/”You don’t have it that bad.” Unless you are the single most unlucky motherfucker in the world, someone will have it worse,  but suffering isn’t a contest. Telling someone to be grateful for their suffering not being worse is invalidating. Fuck this one. Don’t do it.

Common forms of lateral ableism that I’ve seen is up next. Some of these have been discussed on this blog before, but I wanted to compile them. The following are sucky things that shouldn’t happen:

  • Physically Disabled people insisting that their physical disability doesn’t mean they are ID/DD/LD and implying that there’s something wrong with being ID/DD/LD. If you want to clear up someone’s misconceptions about your disability, great! That’s fine! Just make sure you’re not implying that you’re a “good” Disabled person because you’re not like one of those other gross Disabled people with a condition you’re throwing under the bus.
  • Autistic people insisting that autism isn’t a mental illness and implying there’s something wrong with being mentally ill. Okay, yes, I will acknowledge that being mentally ill can be a towering goblet of suck, but again, this can fall into the acting like you’re a “good” Disabled person because you don’t have [insert other disability here].
  • Physically abled MI people describing their mental illnesses as “cr*ppling”. No, you don’t get to use a slur that isn’t yours to describe your brain’s bullshit. There are so many other words to describe brain bullshit. “Debilitating” is a good one.
  • Neurodivergent people saying that physically Disabled people don’t get gaslit about how their disabilities aren’t real, or don’t experience medical ableism, or generally have it better than neurodivergent people. NO. NO NO NO NO NO. Bad Oppression Olympics participant. Stop it.
  • People with mood disorders insisting they aren’t scary, dangerous, or likely to be violent like people with PDs or psychotic people. And we’re back to throwing other disabilities under the bus in order to make oneself look better.
  • People with abuse-related PTSD blaming their abusers’ harmful behavior on their abusers being mentally ill. Armchair diagnosing emotional abusers with cluster B disorders has become especially trendy these days, and abuse survivors have blamed their abusers’ behavior on addiction for ages now.
  • People with BPD acting like they’re the “good” cluster B illness that isn’t selfish or abusive or whatever. Man, throwing other disabilities under the bus is really popular on this list.

And finally, something a little different. It’s all too common to mock mental illness triggers, especially PTSD triggers, these days. PTSD is a constellation of symptoms that result from the brain dealing with trauma, and one of the things brains try to do in response to trauma is keep a person from experiencing trauma again. The devastating effects of flashbacks, hypervigilance, and other PTSD symptoms in response to triggers are the brain trying way too hard to tell the brain’s owner “SHIT SHIT SHIT YOU’RE IN DANGER RUN AWAY”. (This is all very scientific, I know.) Because of this, literally anything that was involved in the trauma may become a trigger. A smell, a sound, a word, anything. I was abused for over a decade, so my CPTSD has had plenty of opportunities to pick up triggers that some might think are silly but will grab me by the collar and fling me back in time to relive the abuse if I hear them. For example, here are some of my more “ridiculous” triggers:

  • The sound of heavy/running footfalls
  • British spellings
  • The phrases “this little [noun]”, “you’re too sensitive”, “black pit”, “I don’t believe you”, and “capitalist values”
  • The word “stroke”
  • The words “at all” being used at the end of a sentence
  • The song “Carousel” by SJ Tucker
  • The taste of hazelnut coffee creamer
  • My given name spoken out loud

Yep. My given name is a trigger. Last night someone called me by it and I couldn’t stop shaking for hours. Why yes, that is fucking annoying.

I think that’s all I have for now. Oh, right! I’m also working on setting up a Facebook page. I feel like I’m not all that well suited to Twitter. I’m going to stay on Twitter, but Mara Lee is also getting a Facebook page soon. I’ll share the link when it’s ready.