Today Is Carrie Fisher’s Yahrzeit

Content/trigger warning: death

For those who don’t know, the yahrzeit is the anniversary of death according to the Hebrew calendar. On a yahrzeit, it is appropriate to light a special 24-hour candle and have a moment of silent introspection before saying “may his/her/their memory be a blessing” in Hebrew.

Because I’m converting Reform, I decided to say my introspection aloud before lighting the candle. This is, more or less, what I said:

It’s weird to feel shame about missing someone. I never even met her. But I think what was so extraordinary about Carrie Fisher was how many people whose lives she impacted without meeting them. Or meeting them briefly; she could buy an artist’s work at a con and it would just make their day. She was unbelievably brave and unabashed when it came to speaking out about mental illness self-advocacy and anti-saneism. She was and continues to be an inspiration to me in that regard. I can’t think of anyone else who inspires me the same way in that regard. And while it’s not fair that she was only 60 when she passed, hopefully we can all keep Space Mom’s memory alive by being unabashedly ourselves, standing up to saneism, and flipping off people who deserve it.

Zikronah livrakhah.

May her memory be a blessing.

The Story of My Twitter Handle

Content/trigger warning: cursing, mention of several forms of bigotry

Story time.

Those who follow me on Twitter know that my Twitter name is now “Mara The Id of Social Justice RAGE Lee”. This is because of a horrible interaction I had with a popular elitist, fauxminist YouTuber several years ago, and I’ve decided to laugh at it. But I want to talk about the story because I feel like call-outs happen in social justice, and how to reply to being called out constructively. That’s related to the horrible interaction, I promise.

Anyway, Elitist Fauxminist YouTuber (hereafter referred to as EFYT) was dating another YouTuber, hereafter referred to as YouTuber Boyfriend, when this happened. YouTuber Boyfriend made one too many neurotypicalist comments and had also been bad at checking his cis privilege and had been…let’s just say clumsy when discussing anti-Black racism. So I left a comment about all three areas of fuck-uppery.

Anyway, I posted on Tumblr about my feeling like I’d acted like an ~*~SJW~*~ and was hoping to not have that internal struggle next time I called someone out.

That was a mistake.

EFYT saw the Tumblr post.

She agreed that I had acted like an “SJW” and, bafflingly, thought that I was making all of her boyfriend’s fuck-ups about race. She even said “why, oh why are you making this about race?” Uh, I wasn’t. You just misinterpreted what I wrote. Maybe you don’t know what “neurotypical” means, EFYT.

It gets worse. She then encouraged her followers to correct me about how I had fucked up/been an “SJW”. I was not just dragged, but drawn and quartered. It got so bad I dissociated for…I want to say two days. Too damn long, in any case.

So what does this have to do with my Twitter handle? Well, EFYT included the phrase “the id of social justice RAAAAAAAAAAAGE” in her Mara-sucks-let’s-tell-her-why post. And something about that phrase actually appeals to me. Probably because it nicely encapsulates both her hypocrisy and someone who’s supposedly a feminist using her advanced vocabulary to rub it in people’s faces that SHE IS EDUMACATED AND THEREFORE A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU. I also like that it is an Ayn Randian level of sounding high-concept but actually being utter bullshit. I mean…she wants to tell me I’m mired in “the id of social justice rage”? Fine. I guess I am (whatever the fuck it actually means). So sue me. I’m so sorry I am passionate when it comes to caring about other people.

Am I biased because she used the word “id” and I think Freud can get fucked in the ear with a Saguaro? Probably. Am I biased specifically against this person because seeing her face pop up in my YT recommendations is a dissociation trigger? Uh, YEAH. Of course I am. But I thought she was an elitist fauxminist before she retraumatized me, so. Make of that what you will.

You know, even though I remember this like it was yesterday (thanks, PTSD), it actually happened sometime between 2012 and 2014. So hopefully EFYT is a better person now. I still think having “The Id of Social Justice RAGE” in my Twitter name is funny.

What’s the takeaway? Don’t mess with Maui when he’s on a breakaway! Er. Sorry, I was just listening to the Moana soundtrack. The actual takeaway is that the knee-jerk reaction to someone calling out someone you care about is to defend the person you care about or even to attack the person doing the call-out. Assuming it’s a real call-out and not a shitty ad hominem attack…look, no one wants to believe that someone they love did a bad thing. But we’re all fallible, and I don’t know a single person who isn’t still unlearning at least some of the lessons the kyriarchy taught us. So when your partner fucks up, try to help them learn constructively. Comfort them if they’re upset and tell them you know they’re capable of doing better. And don’t send your followers after the person doing the call-out. Even if you don’t ask your followers to be abusive, they will be.

Two Years Now…

Content/trigger warning: Death mention

Carrie Fisher left this mortal coil exactly two years ago. I still miss her so much. It still seems unfair that she’s gone.

I’m currently doing something she would be proud of, I think. Something that will improve my mental health and make it much easier for me to engage in activism. Stay tuned.

Several Things…

Content/trigger warning: discussion of ableism, including common emotional abuse techniques, cursing (do I always warn for cursing? I should, seeing as I curse like I just discovered the words)

Hey! Guess who did NaNoWriMo and didn’t blog for a whole month because she was busy trying to hit 50k? This lady! (I did finish NaNo, though.)

To get back into the swing of things, this seemed like the perfect blog entry to talk about a few small things that don’t really need an entire standard Mara length blog entry to cover. This is going to be a list-heavy entry: I’m going to talk about common lines of advice that are actually ableist (and some are just dickweed things to say), laterally ableist behaviors that I often see, and why it’s ableist to mock “weird” triggers. (The last one will be a list because I’m going to share some of my more “weird” CPTSD triggers.) That said, let’s get started.

“Helpful” advice that’s ableist:

  • “You can overcome anything!” The whole idea of “overcoming” disability is ableist because it represents a fundamental misunderstanding of how disability works. If someone can do something that another Disabled person with the same condition can’t do, the first person didn’t “overcome” anything, they just experience the condition differently. Also, sometimes Disabled people can’t do things because of our disabilities. That’s why it’s called a DISability. Sometimes we can’t do shit. Deal with it. And by “deal with it” I mean “don’t tell us that we can do something we actually can’t, because that’s tremendously invalidating”.
  • “You HAVE to try yoga/dieting/exercise/acai suppositories/etc.” This one is rather conditional. Unsolicited advice is usually a No. Disability Etiquette 101: if a Disabled person is venting to you about debilitating symptoms, do not offer suggestions on how to fix the symptom unless asked, especially if you don’t know the person that well. You don’t know what the person has tried and if your potential solution is accessible to them. If someone is asking you what you did to address a particular symptom or if you have any ideas, go ahead and share away, but if someone is venting about their disability-related traits or symptoms, don’t try to fix them. Yes, even if XYZ thing worked on your same traits or symptoms. (If you really feel strongly about a suggestion, you can ask if the person talking to you is interested in hearing suggestions.)
  • “Don’t let it get to you.” This one is invalidating in general, but it’s especially shitty for neurodivergent people who are highly emotionally sensitive. Can people control how they react to feeling like shit? Sure, sometimes. But it’s a rare person indeed who can simply decide to not feel like shit in response to something that makes them feel like shit. Even if someone is ND and their condition makes them sensitive to something that makes them feel like shit that doesn’t make you feel like shit, that doesn’t mean that the ND person is doing feelings wrong or shouldn’t “let it get to them”. Asking people how you can help them feel better because you want them to feel better is great. Telling people to change their innate emotional responses, especially if those responses are due to neurodivergence, is an asshole move. Policing people’s more specific emotional symptoms (e.g. “it’s not that scary” in response to anxiety”) is also an asshole move.
  • “Be grateful it’s not worse.”/”You don’t have it that bad.” Unless you are the single most unlucky motherfucker in the world, someone will have it worse,  but suffering isn’t a contest. Telling someone to be grateful for their suffering not being worse is invalidating. Fuck this one. Don’t do it.

Common forms of lateral ableism that I’ve seen is up next. Some of these have been discussed on this blog before, but I wanted to compile them. The following are sucky things that shouldn’t happen:

  • Physically Disabled people insisting that their physical disability doesn’t mean they are ID/DD/LD and implying that there’s something wrong with being ID/DD/LD. If you want to clear up someone’s misconceptions about your disability, great! That’s fine! Just make sure you’re not implying that you’re a “good” Disabled person because you’re not like one of those other gross Disabled people with a condition you’re throwing under the bus.
  • Autistic people insisting that autism isn’t a mental illness and implying there’s something wrong with being mentally ill. Okay, yes, I will acknowledge that being mentally ill can be a towering goblet of suck, but again, this can fall into the acting like you’re a “good” Disabled person because you don’t have [insert other disability here].
  • Physically abled MI people describing their mental illnesses as “cr*ppling”. No, you don’t get to use a slur that isn’t yours to describe your brain’s bullshit. There are so many other words to describe brain bullshit. “Debilitating” is a good one.
  • Neurodivergent people saying that physically Disabled people don’t get gaslit about how their disabilities aren’t real, or don’t experience medical ableism, or generally have it better than neurodivergent people. NO. NO NO NO NO NO. Bad Oppression Olympics participant. Stop it.
  • People with mood disorders insisting they aren’t scary, dangerous, or likely to be violent like people with PDs or psychotic people. And we’re back to throwing other disabilities under the bus in order to make oneself look better.
  • People with abuse-related PTSD blaming their abusers’ harmful behavior on their abusers being mentally ill. Armchair diagnosing emotional abusers with cluster B disorders has become especially trendy these days, and abuse survivors have blamed their abusers’ behavior on addiction for ages now.
  • People with BPD acting like they’re the “good” cluster B illness that isn’t selfish or abusive or whatever. Man, throwing other disabilities under the bus is really popular on this list.

And finally, something a little different. It’s all too common to mock mental illness triggers, especially PTSD triggers, these days. PTSD is a constellation of symptoms that result from the brain dealing with trauma, and one of the things brains try to do in response to trauma is keep a person from experiencing trauma again. The devastating effects of flashbacks, hypervigilance, and other PTSD symptoms in response to triggers are the brain trying way too hard to tell the brain’s owner “SHIT SHIT SHIT YOU’RE IN DANGER RUN AWAY”. (This is all very scientific, I know.) Because of this, literally anything that was involved in the trauma may become a trigger. A smell, a sound, a word, anything. I was abused for over a decade, so my CPTSD has had plenty of opportunities to pick up triggers that some might think are silly but will grab me by the collar and fling me back in time to relive the abuse if I hear them. For example, here are some of my more “ridiculous” triggers:

  • The sound of heavy/running footfalls
  • British spellings
  • The phrases “this little [noun]”, “you’re too sensitive”, “black pit”, “I don’t believe you”, and “capitalist values”
  • The word “stroke”
  • The words “at all” being used at the end of a sentence
  • The song “Carousel” by SJ Tucker
  • The taste of hazelnut coffee creamer
  • My given name spoken out loud

Yep. My given name is a trigger. Last night someone called me by it and I couldn’t stop shaking for hours. Why yes, that is fucking annoying.

I think that’s all I have for now. Oh, right! I’m also working on setting up a Facebook page. I feel like I’m not all that well suited to Twitter. I’m going to stay on Twitter, but Mara Lee is also getting a Facebook page soon. I’ll share the link when it’s ready.

She Would Have Been 62 Today

Dear Carrie,

Happy birthday. I hope wherever you are now, you have some awareness of how much your life mattered to so many people and that the world is worse off without you. And I hope that there are no saneist assholes there, even though if there were, you’d be giving them hell (no pun intended).

I’m sorry I haven’t been doing my part to dismantle ableism with snark in your honor very well this year. I’ll try to do better from now on. I want to live a life that you would have been proud of.

Love,
Mara

Walk in Red Instead Challenge

Content/trigger warning: mention of person-first language, discussion of ableism

The Walk in Red Instead challenge was originated by the runner of the Tumblr blog walkinredinstead. I fully admit I didn’t have the spoons to put a lot of effort into this, but for what it’s worth, here is my completed challenge. I did a similar entry last year for the Autism Acceptance Challenge; I did the challenge again this year on Tumblr, but I’m not putting it here because that seems kind of redundant.

Day 1: Favorite autism resources. ASAN and AWN (now called the Autism Women and Nonbinary Network) have some great information. Also, Autistic Hoya (http://www.autistichoya.com/), and @ebthen on Twitter. To be honest, though, I haven’t always seen eye-to-eye with ASAN, and a particular big-name Autistic advocate (who I’m terrified of because she bullied me to the point of triggering my CPTSD like whoa over a misunderstanding, but still) has spoken out about issues she has with ASAN, most notably their events not being accessible to people with photosensitive epilepsy. And one of their co-founders and former president is…uh…I don’t agree with his politics on some crucial issues. But ASAN’s resources on why Autism $peaks is a garbage fire are still good.

Day 2: Selfie day. Not doing this for my safety.

Day 3: Stereotypes. Oh boy. Well, I fit the stereotype that all Autistic people are white, as PoC are hella underdiagnosed. Other than that, I fit the nerdy Autistic stereotype, and while I am socially awkward, I’m not an asshole like Sheldon Cooper the Ultimate Autistic Stereotype. Actually, you know what, I feel like talking about that.

Ways in which Sheldon Cooper is an Autistic stereotype:

-He acts like doesn’t care about the other people in his life
-He’s desexualized for most of the show (because Disabled people can’t be sexual beings, right?)
-He reacts badly to change
-He is an academic hotshot
-He had nerdy intense interests as a child
-He currently has nerdy intense interests
-He’s white, male, and cis

Of course there’s nothing wrong with having nerdy special interests, but the whole asshole thing? That’s a negative stereotype. A lot of autistic people have difficulties with nonsensical allistic social skills, but we tend to be more accommodating than most allistic people because we’re used to needing other people to be understanding. Of course, some autistic people are assholes–there are assholes in every crowd–but being Autistic does not make one an asshole.

Also, being white, male, and cis is…how allistic people seem to think of Autistic people, but it seems like a lot of Autistic people aren’t straight or cis. And I already mentioned that too many Autistic people who aren’t white, male, and cishet are diagnosed late or not at all.

The nerdy special interests are a somewhat justified stereotype, but special interests can be in anything. Pop music, explosives, orchids, cyberpunk, pretty cell phone cases, Victorian literature, anything. It doesn’t have to be trains and superheroes.

Regarding the academic hotshot thing, that’s more of an…ugh…Asperger’s stereotype. IQ is an everything-ist metric that doesn’t measure much of anything useful (more on that in another entry), but Autistic people can run the gamut from being intellectually Disabled to being members of MENSA. To put in a less ableist way, Autistic people can have a wide variety of academic skills and learning difficulties.

Day 4: Support. I could ramble at length about how allistic people can support Autistic people, but the gist of it is: believe Autistic people and organizations who are in the know about neurodiversity and ableism, and forget everything you’ve ever heard from autism parents™ or allistic-run organizations. We–Autistic people–are the real experts on our brains and the accommodations we need.

Day 5: Labels. The correct label for an Autistic person is “Autistic”. Not “person with autism”. Being Autistic is an inherent part of the way an Autistic person experiences the world. Person-first language is both inaccurate in its implication that autism is a disease and ableist in its need to “put the person first” and distance the person from the disability as if disability is an inherently bad thing. Autistic people who use “person with autism” should be referred to as such–people are allowed to have internalized ableism and not value their own existence, fine, whatever–but there is no non-ableist reason for person-first language with regard to autism. There’s a reason I’m putting a content warning on this post for person-first language.

Of course, a caveat with labels is that some people eschew them altogether. I don’t understand that–even if I don’t identify as asexual, I still don’t experience sexual attraction, which means I fit the definition of asexual regardless of whether or not I use the term–but some people don’t like labels and don’t like being referred to with labels. Which is fine. If someone doesn’t want a label applied to them, don’t apply it to them, even if it’s accurate.

Day 6 was Autistics of Color Selfie Day, so needless to say, it wouldn’t have been appropriate for me to post a selfie even if it were safe for me to do so.

Day 7: Special interests. Oh man, I have so many. They are specific enough that I don’t want to list all of them, as there are people out there who would read the list and figure out that it’s me writing this. (People who I don’t want to know that I write this blog.) But here are a few:

-Science fiction, especially if it’s progressive, gay, or both
-Role-playing games
-My harem of fictional wives, most of whom come from science fiction
-Queer stuff
-Cats
-Disability justice (of course)

Day 8: Routine. Oh boy. I actually have a kind of a strange relationship with routines. I am generally productive and (somewhat) emotionally stable when I stick to a routine, and if I’m locked into a routine, I am prone to anger and mistakes when I have to break from that routine. But part of me hates routines because I long to be able to just do whatever the hell I want and relax for a little while.

Day 9: Favorite characters. Well, there are my aforementioned fictional wives, but I’m too identifiable by those, so instead I will also list a few characters I headcanon as Autistic. (Not all of them, as some of them are from obscure fandoms by which I could be identified.)

Steven Universe:
-Pearl
-Peridot
-Steven Universe

Harry Potter:
-Luna Lovegood
-Hermione Granger
-Neville Longbottom
-Arthur Weasley

The Hunger Games trilogy:
-Wiress
-Katniss Everdeen
-Primrose Everdeen

Other:
-Andy Dufresne (The Shawshank Redemption)
-Mako Mori (Pacific Rim)
-Prince Zuko (Avatar: The Last Airbender)
-Sarkan, the Dragon (Uprooted by Naomi Novik)
-Alexander Hamilton (Hamilton: An American Musical)
-Georgette “Buffy” Messonier (Feed by Mira Grant)
-Mel (Sunshine by Robin McKinley)

Day 10: Diagnosis. I was self-diagnosed at about 13, professionally diagnosed approximately 10 years later. I don’t really want to reveal too much personal, so have some bullet points about autism diagnosis:

-Autistic people who aren’t white, male, and cishet are underdiagnosed (as previously mentioned)
-Being a combination of non-white, non-male, and/or queer decreases chances of correct diagnosis
-Being professionally diagnosed has a lot of disadvantages, and it is a valid choice to not seek professional diagnosis
-Self-diagnosis is valid
-Being anti-self-diagnosis is a whole host of -isms (more on that in another entry, probably)

Day 11: Sensory. Oh, wow, where do I start? I have sensory processing disorder and can’t process any kind of sensory input if there’s bright light or loud noise. Simultaneous bright light and loud noise give me crying meltdowns. Some noises, textures, and sounds–especially textures–are…well, I used to have a good phrase to describe them that I can’t use anymore because it reminds of an abusive ex…uh, they’re just fuckawful from a sensory point of view and I can’t stand them. Wet sponges are about the worst. On the other hand, I love to stim…to be continued on day 14.

Day 12: LGBT+ selfie day. Well, I’m really queer, but I’ve mentioned that I can’t post selfies for safety reasons.

Day 13: Community. (Presumably that means the Autistic community.) I’m fairly active in it, and it’s mostly pretty awesome, but I’ve seen a lot of anti-cluster B saneism in a lot of Autistic-run Facebook groups. Because there’s anti-cluster B saneism everywhere besides cluster B communities. *sigh*

Day 14: Stimming. Stims stims stims stims stims 😀 what a good topic. I have a hand spinner that I love, and I often stim with music, but something I do that I feel like is pretty rare is olfactory stimming. I often wear perfume so I can sniff it and just luxuriate in the scent or feel more relaxed. I love going through my perfumes and sniffing them all. When I was younger, whenever I was in a restaurant or store where there were scented candles, I would smell them all. Olfactory stimming is my jam.

Day 15: Family. Blood is not thicker than water. The actual quote is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”.

Day 16: Friends. I have some wonderful and supportive friends and I’m very grateful for them.

Day 17: Animals. I’ve always related to animals, especially cats, more than people. I currently have an amazing cat who is not a trained ESA, but she sure acts like one.

Day 18: Coping. Something I’m not doing too well right now. Which is why I’m not doing a very good job with this challenge.

Day 19: Mental health. Something I don’t have. A lot of Autistic people develop anxiety and depression due to dealing with ableism, and we’re especially prone to PTSD. As you know if you’ve been reading this, I have all three of those. And BPD. And OsDD.

Day 20: Free day. Can I go back to sleep?

Day 21: Communication. This is an important one. A lot of Autistic people can’t communicate verbally, either always or some of the time. AAC, ASL, writing, and even so-called “behaviors” are communication. Allistics will bang on endlessly about how “mysterious” Autistic people are and how impossible we are to understand. But they’re the ones who refuse to learn how we communicate.

Day 22: Fear. Hmm. Interesting prompt. I would have to say my biggest fear as an Autistic person is that some kind of “cure” (that will probably be based on insufficient evidence or poorly done research, since you can’t cure who a person is) will be promulgated by the mainstream scientific community. Either that or autism genetic markers will be “discovered”, leading to eugenic abortion.

Day 23: Emotions. My emotions are, um, fucking ballistic. I feel everything on a River Tam level. Is this because I’m Autistic? Is this because I’m borderline? Nobody knowwwwwwws!

In all seriousness, though, Autistic people’s emotional tendencies are as varied as allistic people’s; it’s just that not all Autistic people express emotions like allistics do.

Day 24: Autistic girls selfie day. I’m female, but again, safety reasons.

Day 25: Awareness vs. acceptance. I’ve already done an entry on this. Awareness hurts because it makes autism seem like a disease and is generally ableist in every way. Acceptance is necessary for Autistic people to live our best lives in a society that currently rejects us.

Day 26: Free day. Thank fuck; I don’t have the EF for this. I’m going to sleep.

Day 27: Rules/authority. Fuck both. They’re usually ableist.

Day 28: Peers. I don’t understand this prompt. I…don’t get along well with my allistic peers, I guess? I never have. I usually interact well with other neurodivergent people, especially Autistic people.

Day 29: Future. The anti-ableist future where I don’t have to tirelessly put up with and confront ableism constantly? Yes, please.

Day 30: Autistic pride. Okay, here’s my Autistic pride collection on Redbubble. https://www.redbubble.com/people/autisticbanshee/collections/510801-autistic-and-awesome

 

I’ve got nothing.

Content/tw: death mention, suicidal ideation, money

Carrie would have been 61 today.

I’m a wreck.

There’s a lot going on in my personal life, including being out of work, bills piling up (here’s my YouCaring if you can help https://www.youcaring.com/maralee-938599), and shit happening between me and my abuser. I was going to use today’s entry to be a list of self-care tips or something. But I’ve got nothing.

All I can think about is that I want to die so I won’t have financial stress and I will be away from my abuser and maybe I can be with Carrie.

She would say “take your broken heart and make it into art”.

I’m trying, Carrie. I’m trying.

I Made a Thing

Content/trigger warning: suicidal ideation mention

This is what my life is like.
All the Mental Illnesses

Image description: a Venn diagram of five mental illnesses: BPD, CPTSD, OSDD, depression, and anxiety. The mental illnesses’ circles contain the following:

BPD: Unstable sense of self
CPTSD: Flashbacks
OSDD: One step away from having alters
Depression: Suicidality
Anxiety: Everything is scary

The overlaps are as follows:

BPD and CPTSD: “My identity is trauma”
CPTSD and OSDD: “Trauma-related dissociation”
OSDD and depression: “What even is reality”
Depression and anxiety: “Trash executive function”
Anxiety and BPD: “Trust no one”
Anxiety, BPD, and CPTSD: “Hypervigilance on crack”
BPD, CPTSD, and OSDD: “What even is an identity”
CPTSD, OSDD, and depression: “What’s the point of living if I’m just a reaction to trauma?”
OSDD, depression, and anxiety: “I can’t do anything and am no one”
Depression, anxiety, and BPD: “Codependence despite unstable relationships”
Any overlap between four mental illnesses: “AAAAH”
Overlap of all five mental illnesses: “Fuck”

No quote today because this isn’t a real entry. I will take this opportunity, though, to say that I still really need help. If you value the labor I put into this blog, please consider donating. My PayPal button is in this entry: https://thisisforyoucarrie.wordpress.com/2017/08/21/too-out-of-spoons-for-titles/.  Also, you can support me by ordering from my Redbubble store: https://www.redbubble.com/people/autisticbanshee?ref=artist_title_name.

Too out of spoons for titles

Content/trigger warning: abuse mention, disordered eating, money, death mention, reclaimed slur, cursing

I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired.

For personal reasons I can’t go into right now, my CPTSD has been having a motherfucking field day. So much hypervigilance, so many nightmares, and even flashbacks, which my antipsychotic has failed to keep at bay. (Fortunately I’m going to see my prescriber in a few weeks and I’m going to ask him for a higher dose.) I have been feeling unsafe for about a week and my dissociative disorder was protecting me by presenting only particular facets of my identity. Now I’m coming back to myself and I really should be job-hunting and doing other productive things, but I need to take some time to re-integrate my personality. I’m still feeling kind of fractured. I have also slid down the slippery slope from purging after eating normal amounts to eating…I’m guessing something like 700 calories a day.

I also feel pathetic enough to ask for help.

I’m unemployed and living in an abusive situation. I’m trying to get a job that will pay for me to move out, but my mental health is really suffering, and it’s interfering with my job search. (Thank fuck for anxiolytics, which will probably get through me with an interview I have this week.) These entries often take a lot of emotional labor. If my work has helped you, or you are able and willing to help a Disabled writer a little, I’m adding a PayPal donate button to this blog. Well, actually, to this entry.

Also, here are some topics I’m planning on covering soon:

-changing language regarding disability (person-first language vs. identity-first language, why we–including me–should use the suffix “-misia” instead of “-phobia”)
-how to be a good ally to mentally ill people
-ableism in academia
-models of disability
-the ableism inherent in the idea of “the opioid epidemic” and how it’s really a war on chronic pain sufferers
-ableism and eugenics
-ableism in comedy

That’s it for now. No quote today because I don’t want to end up bawling because I had to look up something related to Carrie Fisher and be reminded that she’s gone. Yeah, I know, it’s fucked up to be so upset about the death of someone I never even met, but if you’re reading this, you should know I’m fucking crazy.